


Endgame

by brownsugarmilktea



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blood, Canon-Typical Violence, Choking, Domestic Fluff, Drinking, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Eventual Fluff, Explicit Sexual Content, Flashbacks, Fluff, Getting Back Together, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Torture, M/M, Minor Character Death, Murder, Panic Attacks, Poisoning, Post-Break Up, Rape/Non-con Elements, Rough Sex, Smut, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-03
Updated: 2021-01-04
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:55:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 31,311
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27867229
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brownsugarmilktea/pseuds/brownsugarmilktea
Summary: In his twenty-five years as the eldest Zoldyck child, he had done countless missions. Thousands of targets and he'd never failed to kill a single one. As years went by, his jobs were getting more complicated and difficult. But even the hardest, most dangerous missions couldn't compare to the worst thing he had ever done.Breaking up with Hisoka.
Relationships: Hisoka & Illumi Zoldyck, Hisoka/Illumi Zoldyck
Comments: 181
Kudos: 441





	1. Solitude

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have had this headcanon about hisoillu breaking up and getting back together for a while now, so I decided to write it down.
> 
> Please remember, no matter what happens, they will end up back together because that's what they deserve!
> 
> A big thanks to my friend who beta read this fic.

“Master Illumi, are you coming downstairs for breakfast? Madame Kikyo would like you to eat with her."  
Amane's voice snapped Illumi out of his thoughts. He was sitting on his bed at the same position as he had for the last eight hours. 

"The food will be ready in thirty minutes. I told the cooks to make you waffles, master.” 

Illumi blinked and reached out to grab his phone from the nightstand. Eight in the morning. "Yes." 

He felt tired, as he hadn’t slept at all. A thunderstorm had brewed over Kukuroo Mountain last night, rain pouring on his balcony and lightning illuminating his dark bedroom every few seconds. He had heard the thunder roaring the whole night, followed by Mike's occasional howling. 

But the storm wasn’t the main reason Illumi had had a sleepless night.

He could still picture the look of Hisoka’s face. Paler than ever, with golden eyes bigger and emptier than usual. He could have sworn he had seen tears welling up in the magicians eyes. Never before had Illumi seen such an emotion in him. Was it anger? Shock? Sadness? Whatever it was, Illumi had never wanted to see it and he didn't plan on ever seeing it again. 

Whenever the assassin closed his eyes, he instantly saw the magician trying to calm him down. Protesting, doing an attempt to grab his wrist, desperately wanting to change his mind. Hisoka had wanted nothing more than for them to work it out, wrap his arms around Illumi and whisper corny things in his ear about never leaving eachothers side. 

Honestly, Illumi wanted that too. 

But he couldn't. 

In his twenty-five years as the eldest Zoldyck child, he had done countless missions. Thousands of targets and he'd never failed to kill a single one. As years went by, his jobs were getting more complicated and difficult. But even the hardest, most dangerous missions couldn't compare to the worst thing he had ever done. 

Breaking up with Hisoka. 

He hadn't wanted to do it, but he had to. It was the only option, for their own safety. At one point, Illumi thought he knew for certain the magician loved him. Cared for him with all his being. Hisoka had made sure Illumi knew, as he had told him at least once everyday for the last year. Not only would he say it all the time, he would also buy him presents, take him on dates and show his love for the assassin in as many ways as possible. 

And though he hadn't said it nearly as much as Hisoka did, Illumi loved him too. 

But he was the one who broke up. Why was he still thinking about him? 

"Master Illumi?" Amane's voice called again. "I already said I was coming," Illumi said. "What made you think that you should call me again? Leave." His voice sounded as neutral as always, but after spending many years as a Zoldyck butler, Amane could clearly tell she was on thin ice. "I apologize, mas-" "I said leave." 

When he heard Amane's hasty footsteps disappear, Illumi stood up. He walked towards his private bathroom, turned on the light and looked at his reflection on the mirror above his washing table. He was a mess. 

He was still wearing the assassin atire he put on for the job he had the evening before. His raven hair looked nothing like the flawless, silky curtain it usually was. It was tangled, greasy and matted. His skin looked dull and grayish. His big, black orbs looked emptier than ever before, despite being red and puffy, and the sleepless night he'd been experiencing lately had formed dark circles around them. 

Illumi sighed and decided he needed to take a shower before joining his mother for breakfast. After getting some clean, casual clothes from his walk in closet, he got back into the bathroom. He shedded his dirty clothes slowly, not wanting to be naked and alone in the chilly bathroom. After getting rid of his underwear, he shivered and stepped into the shower. 

When he felt the hot water on his skin, he closed his eyes in an attempt to relax. However, as soon as his eyes were shut his thoughts were back with Hisoka. He had never told him as much, but showering together was without doubt one of Illumi's favorite parts of their relationship. Whenever Illumi got home annoyed or tired after a frustrating job, the magician would take his hand and drag him towards their bathroom. 

He would turn on the shower, shed both of their clothes while kissing Illumi whenever he got the chance, and join him in the comfortable heat of the water as soon as it had warmed up. 

Usually, Hisoka would stand behind Illumi and wrap his arms around the assassin's chest to make him feel comfortable. Illumi had always denied the fact he was cold very often, but to be completely honest, they both knew he was indeed. Sometimes they would talk about the mission, but mostly Illumi preferred to simply leave it behind. 

Once Illumi was feeling warm again the magician would wash his hair, raking his long, pointy nails through the wet strands after gently massaging his scalp. 

Occasionally Hisoka would end up on his knees with his head between Illumi's legs, the latter panting the magicians name uncontrollably. Taking showers together had always been pleasant. 

Again, why was he thinking of this? _Stop it, Illumi._

He washed his hair and body as quickly as he could, dried just the same, and left to the dining room to join his mother for breakfast. 

The dinner table was empty, and Kikyo the only person in the room sitting at the head of the table. Why does mother want to spend so much time together all of a sudden, Illumi asked himself.

"Lumi, my dear, there you are," She said with her stone cold voice. "Come sit next to me, son."  
Illumi reluctantly walked towards the table and sat down on his mother's right side. She traced a long, slim finger along his cheek. Her nails were pointy, but shorter than Hisoka's. 

_Illumi, stop thinking about him._

"You look horrible. Haven't you slept well?" Kikyo asked before kissing her son's temple. Illumi ignored the question. "That's probably not it. You must feel great sleeping in your own bed again. That ex-boyfriend of yours must-" Illumi didn't even hear the rest of the sentence. Ex-boyfriend. It sounded weird in his ears. 

Kikyo had never been fond of Hisoka, that was anything but a secret. She called him a peasant, a slutty flamboyant clown (though Illumi didn't fully disagree with that) and a disgrace that wasn't worth any of her son's time nor attention. 

Because of this, she had indeed made a show of pampering her eldest son after he moved back in. She kept insisting on having meals together, kissing his forehead and temples way too often, calling him sweet names and a few days ago she even braided his hair. 

The last time Kikyo had done that was when Illumi was a ten year old child. He cut off his hair a little after that, and when he grew it out again it simply didn't happen. The only person who had braided his hair recently was, of course, Hisoka. 

_Fuck. Stop your thoughts. It's over._

Kikyo's monogue ended abruptly when two of the butlers entered the dining room, holding several trays and plates all filled with the most delicious high quality food. Pancakes, waffles, eggs, meat, bread, several kinds of fresh fruits, juices, coffee and more products were placed gracefully on the absurdly long dining table. 

"Enjoy your meal, masters." 

The butlers left and mother and son ate their breakfast in silence. Illumi wasn't hungry, but he forced himself to eat a normal amount to prevent a reaction from his mother. 

"Please excuse me. I have to get ready for a job." Without waiting for his mother's response, he stood up and left the dining room. 

He had eaten plenty, but he was still feeling emptier than ever before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I already finished writing chapter two, but I don't know when it will be posted because I'm not sure if it's better to post like every thursday or just whenever I'm feeling it.
> 
> In any case, it won't take long.
> 
> I'd love to read comments, but this is my first multi chapter fic so please have mercy.
> 
> Have a nice day!


	2. Violet Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A month prior to their breakup, Kikyo talked to Illumi about his relationship.
> 
> In the present, Illumi is contemplating everything that's happened since he started dating Hisoka, while feeling a burning, unfamiliar pain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the second chapter! A bit earlier than I intended but it was finished anyway :)
> 
>   
> Also I'll be thanking my friend who beta reads my fics in every chapter. <3

About a month earlier, Illumi had left their penthouse in Yorknew City for a routine visit to the Zoldyck estate. About once every month he used to go Kukuroo Mountain to discuss jobs with his father and get some simple training to keep up his skills.  
After three days, he would return home to Hisoka. He was looking forward to it. He usually played coy, but he was always happy to go back to Hisoka. Back home. 

Even though he grew up on Kukuroo mountain and he had moved out not even a year ago, the apartment he shared with his boyfriend was the only place that really felt like home to Illumi. He didn't have to feel like he was being watched all the time, he didn't have to live up to certain expectations and he could do whatever he wanted. But that was probably Illumi's problem. It couldn't be his parents fault. 

Either way, everytime the assassin came back from the estate, Hisoka would shower him in attention and honey sweet affection, even more than he usually did. Illumi had never told him, but deep inside the warm welcomes he received over and over again would never fail to make him feel happy and content instantly. When did he grow so attached? 

The magician never liked it when his boyfriend went to stay with his parents. He always said he would be bored without Illumi, but his sorrowful expression gave away the truth. He was.. worried? Illumi never understood why. He just went back to his parents, which was nothing to worry about. 

Despite the often unpleasant training they often gave him, his parents loved him and cared for him and his siblings more than anything else in the world, Illumi thought. Besides, this time he only had to visit to talk about business with his father, his mother would probably not even be involved. 

The evening after his return at the estate, however, he had heard a knock at his door. He had just drained his bath and put on some casual clothes. 

"Illumi, dear, I would like you to have tea with me." 

Illumi was surprised to hear his mother's shrilling voice. It was uncommon for the Zoldyck parents to come to their children's rooms for questions like that. Usually they would just send one of the many butlers to deliver the message. What did that mean? Was there something important they had to discuss? Only one way to find out, Illumi had guessed. He opened his door. 

"Of course, mother." Kikyo instantly grabbed his arm. "Lovely. Let's go to the living room in the east wing, the one near the library." She dragged her eldest son with her, still holding his arm. 

Hisoka too liked to hold Illumi while walking next to him. Sometimes he would just grab his arm, or hold his hand gently as they strolled through the streets of Yorknew. "Why don't you ever let go of me?" Illumi had asked a few days prior. "I'd almost think you're scared I get lost." Hisoka would grin and purr "I want everyone to see you are mine, baby." And he wouldn't care to protest. 

After reminiscing the memory, Illumi was looking forward to going back home to his boyfriend even more. _Only two more days,_ he told himself. _The day after tomorrow you will be back in Yorknew._

Without saying a word, they walked through the enormous mansion together, butlers eyeing them warily. Kikyo was the first to break the silence.  
"I'm so happy to have you home." She said while kissing his cheek. Illumi felt her lipstick stain on his skin. He would never try to disagree with his mother, but he honestly hated it. 

Kikyo and Illumi shared a complicated bond. Illumi shared many things with his mother, and even when he moved out he texted her all the time, simply because he was obligated to do so. She would occasionally praise him for his loyalty, but she didn't have to. They were family.  
It was natural. 

Hisoka, however, hated the amount of attention Illumi would give to his mother, as he found Kikyo's behavior smothering, manipulative and unhealthy. 

The spacious room mother and son were about to have tea in, was located in one of the areas of the estate Illumi barely ever visited. Of course he had been there before, but it was far away from his own wing, the dungeons and the dining room, where he spent most time. 

One of the walls was decorated with a family portrait they had made a few years ago. Silva and Kikyo were standing in the middle of a marble floor, surrounded by Zeno and the siblings. The only person missing on the portrait was, of course, Alluka, who had been locked up in her room.  
Illumi was standing next to Kikyo, with his left hand resting on Kalluto's shoulder. He probably was around twenty years old back then. He looked more or less the same, though he'd gotten a bit broader and his hair had grown quite a lot. 

A moment after they entered the room, a butler brought them a tray containing a steaming teapot, some cups, sugar and other necessities. Kikyo subtly waved her hand, sending them away. Once the door clicked, she looked at Illumi through her visor. Illumi glanced at the teacup Kikyo handed him. He hadn't seen this one. It was white, but the sides were decorated with symbols. 

Symbols he knew very well. 

The side Illumi was facing showed a red heart and a black spade. He curiously turned the cup around and saw a red diamond and a black club hand-painted on the back side. Since when did his mother like cards? 

"You probably wonder why I asked you to come here with me." Kikyo said while sitting down at a large, burgundy sofa across the open fire place. Illumi hesitated for a second, before he nodded and sat down next to his mother. 

"Well, the truth is, I just wanted a little chit-chat. How is life in Yorknew City?" "It's good," Illumi answered honestly. "Living downtown makes it easy for me to do several jobs a day, and still get home in time to get enough rest." 

"Hm," Kikyo replied, and he wondered if she had even listened to his answer. "And how is your associate.. your.. your _clown boyfriend?_ " 

Illumi swallowed. His mother had been making several hateful remarks towards Hisoka the last couple of months, but at least she had never actively tried to sabotage their relationship. 

Because Silva did approve, in his own way.  
The head of the family was not happy when Illumi carefully asked for his permission to move in with Hisoka. However, he did acknowledge having one of his family members based in Yorknew City would be convenient, because of the high amount of jobs they got there. Besides that, Hisoka's physical strength had earned Silva's respect in a certain way.  
So he said yes, as long as it would not affect the family business in any way. 

They were silent for a moment. 

"I miss you, Illumi. You don't know how it feels to be a mother losing her son.. her firstborn, most beautiful son." Her voice sounded thick and dramatic. 

Illumi raised an eyebrow in surprise. "You did not lose me, mother. I just... live somewhere else now." Illumi replied. How could his mother think that? How could she assume that he, the person who always put his family first, no matter what, had left her? 

"I hope you are not lying to your parents, Illumi. I hope he does not have that kind of horrible, manipulative influence on you." Kikyo almost wailed. "It would be a great tragedy. Our eldest, most perfect son leaving the family for that.. a.. a _clown.._ a disgrace. Wouldn't you agree, darling?" 

Tragedy, disgrace... the words alone made Illumi's stomach twist in disgust. Mother was right. It _would_ be a disaster. Family first, then comes everything else. Hadn't he lived up to that after moving in with Hisoka? Were his parents disappointed? Did he actually let them down? 

If he didn't, why would he be so eager to return to Hisoka instead of staying with his family? 

Illumi nodded silently, thinking about the mistakes he might have made. "I'm glad you agree, darling." She said, holding Illumi's hand with her own. 

Kikyo then reached into the pocket of her dress, grabbing a small crystal bottle. It was filled with a thick, purple liquid. She gracefully pulled out the cork, making sure Illumi could clearly see the containments. She took her son's cup and poured all of the odorless liquid in his tea.  
Purple smoke arised from the cup, and then the smoke as well as the playing card symbols slowly disappeared. 

Illumi knew this sight very well. Violet Night. He had seen it many times as a kid. Tasted it. Felt it work. 

It was poison. 

His mother was poisoning him. Casually pouring a toxic liquid in his cup as if it were milk, while he just sat there and watched. But Illumi was immune to poison. All of the Zoldycks are. Kikyo knew this, of course. Then why did she do this? Did she try to test his immunity? 

"Is something wrong, dear? Drink your tea before it gets cold." 

Illumi swallowed and took a sip. 

"So... where were we again?" His mother asked, still gazing at him through her visor, still stroking his hand. 

"Ah, your clown boyfriend. Let's say you are right and his intentions are actually good.. Do you think he will fit in the family? Do you think he could adept? Do you think he could manage to survive?" Kikyo almost whispered the last sentence. 

Ah, Illumi thought, still staring at the cup that showed the card symbols a few seconds ago. 

So that's what she was trying to do. 

This was a warning. 

\-- 

So here they were. A month later, broken up, apart from eachother. Not speaking, calling or texting at all. As far as Illumi knew, Hisoka was still in their apartment in Yorknew City, all by himself. The assassin kept thinking about the things his mother said. Did he really let his family down without even noticing? 

Did he really prioritize Hisoka above them? 

Was that Hisoka's influence on him? 

Hisoka hated the Zoldyck parents, that's for sure. Whenever Illumi would casually mention minor details of his past, Hisoka would get angry. Whether it was about how he had gotten immune to electricity, or about how he was taught to peel fingernails, Hisoka would always get mad because of the way the Zoldycks trained his lover. He said their way of training was cruel and inhumane. 

He didn't get it. He never understood. 

"My parents had to hurt me physically, because they love me", Illumi had told him several times. The last time they had a similar conversation was about two weeks before their break-up.  
"They want me to be the best assassin possible, because they care about me and my future. They put me locked up in the dungeons for days, because it's mandatory." 

Never before had he told Hisoka so much about his past, but he needed to understand. "I was starved, so I would know what to do if I ever find myself without food. They pushed my head underwater, so I could learn how to hold my breath longer. They poisoned me, so I wouldn't be an easy target for assassinations. Everything they did was out of love." 

Hisoka wasn't easily frustrated, but for some reason, he snapped. He almost yelled at him, which shocked Ilumi, because what ever happened, the magician always managed to keep calm.  
"Illumi, your parents... they only value you because you are the perfect assassin," he would say desperately. "You are merely a tool to them. That's why they keep hurting you, they don't care about your feelings. They only care about your flawless kills and the money it brings them." 

They had argued for a bit, and after that Illumi had left to his own room, slamming the door shut with such rage a painting fell off the wall in the living room. 

Now he was thinking about it, did Hisoka just try to keep him away from his family back then? 

Was he telling him these things before hugging him, stroking his hair or kissing the tip of his nose just to get into Illumi's mind? 

Deep inside, Illumi passively knew he had a point. His parents did certainly hurt him, from time to time. Physically and emotionally. 

Whips, poison, drowning, knifes, burning, pins, nen. 

The Zoldycks had used several tools and torture devices to train their children, especially the eldest, into ice cold assassins. Illumi could still feel the severe pain he used to feel during his training whenever he walked through the dungeons. 

But no torturing training session could compare to the pain he was feeling right now. 

If he and his family were better off without Hisoka, why did his entire body ache whenever he thought of the magician? Why had he been feeling a stinging pain in his chest for the last couple of weeks? Why did he need to fight back tears every single night while he was staring at the ceiling because he couldn't sleep? 

Why did he think about him all the time? 

Was this a part of Hisoka’s plan? 

Had Hisoka been _using_ him? 

_You need to find a way to get him out of your mind,_ Illumi decided. 

_You need to move on._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that was it. I hope you liked it because it's about to go down!
> 
> I also truly hope these first two chapters weren't too slow, I really wanted to take my time to explain the situation. The rest of the fic won't be just about Kikyo being a bitch, I promise.
> 
> I'm very new to writing fanfics (I literally started about a week ago) so comments are very much appreciated.
> 
> Bye for now!


	3. Back in Yorknew

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Illumi returns to Yorknew for a job, and decides to go out. However, the night doesn't end as planned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the third chapter! It took me a bit longer than expected, but I was busy with uni stuff and deadlines.
> 
> It's a pretty long chapter though so I hope you like it!!
> 
> About the rape/non-con tag: it's not a rape scene, but someone does not ask for consent, so I added the tag just to be sure. This chapter also contains canon-typical violence.
> 
> And as always, a big thanks to my friend who took the time to betaread it, I'll keep saying it <3

"I need you to clear a mission out of Padokea." 

"Okay." 

"You will leave tomorrow morning at five. Your private airship will soon be ready for departure. Plan to stay at a hotel, it will probably take a few days." 

"What is the job about?" 

"Some mafia bosses. I do not know the reason they have to be killed. You know the mafia are generally weak, but they are wary. For you, it won't be hard at all though. And the job pays well. I will text you the details later. Now, go get your bags." 

"Okay, I will. Where am I going?" 

"Yorknew." 

Illumi's breath hitched. He hadn't expected this answer from Silva. 

Ever since Illumi moved back to the Zoldyck Estate, Kalluto would take care of most of the jobs in Yorknew City. He usually stayed there with the Phantom Troupe, and none of them cared when he sneaked out for some minor assassinations from time to time. He was a Zoldyck, after all. 

Illumi hadn't been back to Yorknew after he left Hisoka. He swallowed. 

"I see. I will be getting ready then. Thank you, father." 

\-- 

Packing his bags was more difficult than he had expected. 

Illumi was an efficient traveller. He didn't like bringing more stuff than necessary, especially not when he merely had to leave the estate just for a couple of days. He only packed things he really needed, like some casual clothes and a pair of work clothes. It never took him over twenty minutes. 

This time was different. 

Half of his clothes were still packed in the enormous suitcase he used when he.. left. He hadn't unpacked them after moving, simply because he didn't need them. However, his favorite purple assassin atire was in there, and he wanted to take it with him. 

It also happened to be Hisoka’s favorite.

He could have told the butlers to pack for him, of course, but he didn't feel like them touching his stuff. Especially not for the first time after moving back home. 

Illumi reluctantly put the suitcase on the hardwood floor, and took a deep breath. 

He suddenly felt his hands starting to shake as he was about to open it. His heartbeat went faster and faster, until he felt it bounce rapidly in his throat. 

_You're about to open a suitcase, Illumi,_ he thought to himself. _Why are you so anxious to open a fucking suitcase?_

Frustrated by his own thoughts, he unlocked the suitcase and flipped it open. He looked over at all of the clothes he hadn't touched in over a month. 

He grabbed a black turtleneck from the suitcase, and inhaled deeply. 

Nothing. 

Did he expect his clothes to smell like cinnamon? Like him? 

_Why the hell are you smelling your clothes? Illumi, focus._

Once he realized what he was doing, he quickly threw away the shirt. He grabbed all of his clothes, and carelessly threw them on the floor in a large pile. 

The first thing he saw were his black flame pants. He really liked those, but Hisoka absolutely hated them. 

"You have the prettiest legs, Lulu," he had said the last time Illumi had worn them. They had been taking a walk through the park near their penthouse late at night, only about a month or two earlier. 

"Why cover them with those hideous flames?" He had raised an eyebrow, looking at the flame print with a disgusted face. Illumi hadn't responded. 

After a few seconds, however, his eyes would trail off to his ass. After that, Illumi had felt a large, strong arm wrapping around his waist and pulling him closer so their sides were touching as they walked. Hisoka had placed a fond kiss on the side of his head. 

"If you dislike my pants that much, you have more than enough reason to take them off when we get home." Illumi had responded, his face as expressionless as usual, ignoring Hisoka's smug gaze. 

"Let's hurry then," the magician had whispered to the shell of his ear before moving his hand down to Illumi's ass and playfully nipping his earlobe. 

It had been a fun night. 

_What are you doing? It's over. Focus._

Annoyed by the memory and his own distraction, Illumi picked up the flame pants and threw them out of sight. His heart was still beating way too fast, and he started to feel uncomcortably warm. He hastily searched through the pile of clothes looking for his purple attire, but the next thing that caught his attention was his pair of black thigh high socks. 

Hisoka definitely did like those. 

The few times Illumi had worn them, he had been able to drive the magician over the edge without even trying. 

Illumi could still picture way he had looked at him that one time, with his golden, eager eyes, basically radiating lust. He had licked his lips, before pushing the assassin back onto the couch, hands slowly sliding up his thighs as he starting to kiss and nibble at his neck. Illumi had melted like a pad of butter. He could still hear Hisoka whisper in his ear. 

"So beautiful.." 

He had made quick work of removing Illumi's underwear. 

"You're driving me crazy, babydoll." 

He always begged for Illumi to keep on those thigh high socks while he was- 

_For fuck's sake, Illumi, why can't you focus?_

This didn't work. He walked towards his nightstand and grabbed his phone to contact the butlers headquarters. 

"Good evening, master Illumi."  
"Come to my room. I want you to pack my bags." 

\-- 

On his way to the airship, Illumi again felt uncomfortable. He kept feeling a strange kind of ache in his stomach he had never felt before. As he was getting closer to the location, the unfamiliar feeling seemed to worsen. It was a bit like nausea, but not completely the same. He felt like he had a rock in his stomach, which was getting heavier every minute. 

_It's just a simple job, Illumi. You have killed thousands of people before, this won't be any different._

He opened the car window to get some fresh air, ignoring the surprised face of his driver in the rear view mirror. He hesitated for a second, but then unlocked his phone.

_04:30 Illumi: Hi Kallu. Are you in Yorknew?_

_04:35 Kalluto: Yes, I am._

_04:36 Illumi: I'm on my way there. I will stay at a hotel for a couple of days. Do you want to meet up?_

Illumi impatiently stared at his phone. He really hoped his little brother would agree. They hadn't seen eachother after Illumi left the city, and he missed him. Besides, mother would be pleased to hear he met Kalluto. 

And, if he was being honest, he would like to have some company and distraction. 

_04:36 Kalluto: Yes. I will text you later._

_04:37 Illumi: Okay. I'm looking forward to seeing you._

_04:38 Kalluto: Me too._

Illumi's lips formed a little smile reading the message. Meeting Kalluto would definitely make him feel better. 

His youngest sibling has always been less important than Killua. Their parents kept telling him this, so Illumi would spend the most time looking after his only white-haired brother. Killua was the heir, and that simply meant he always came first. 

Nonetheless, Illumi always loved spending time with his youngest sibling. They had always shared a great bond, and they loved training, talking or just hanging out together. 

Back when Illumi lived in Yorknew City, they used to do jobs together every now and then. He was very proud of the boy's talent and intelligence, despite his young age. He was pretty sure Kalluto looked up to him, and the validation that gave him made him feel warm.

Even though their parents didn't care too much about their youngest child, Illumi loved him. 

\-- 

More than twelve hours later, Illumi flashed his keycard to open his suite door. It was located in one of the most expensive hotels in Yorknew. He had stayed there once before, when he had another job downtown, prior to his relationship with Hisoka. 

He knew the area where the hotel was located very well, as it was only a twenty minutes walk from their-, er, Hisoka's penthouse. 

He was considering going to a ramen restaurant to have dinner. He had been there several times with Hisoka before, and he had enjoyed the food. The fact that Hisoka had eaten him out in one of their restrooms once probably had nothing to do with that. 

Just when he wanted to check their opening hours, his phone buzzed.

_18:00 Silva: Illumi, did you arrive at your hotel?_

_18:00 Illumi: Yes, I am there._

_18:05 Silva: Good. I've spoken to Kalluto. He wants to join you on the job._

Illumi felt a wave of excitement as he read his father's message. So Kalluto was eager to spend time with him too.

For the first twenty-four years of his life, the concept of loneliness had been foreign to Illumi. He had always been surrounded by at least one member of his family, and he was taught that they were the only people he would ever need. No friendships, no bonding, only the Zoldycks. It had been his reality for a long time, and he hadn't thought anything could ever change that. 

But it eventually happened. 

Begrudgingly falling in love, being in a serious relationship and living together with Hisoka had brought a whole new dimention into Illumi's world. His life had no longer revolved solely around his family and their business. They were still his top priority, but Hisoka had been situated only a little after them. 

Now that he'd left him, broke all contact and started questioning Hisoka's intentions, many unknown feelings had taken over his body. 

His mother's disappointed words were still echoing in his head. A disgrace, she had called him. A tragedy. A horrible, manipulative influence. 

The feeling of having disappointed his parents and the new-found doubt about Hisoka's sincerity, added to the fact he would never be able to see him again made Illumi experience an unbearable, gut-wrenching feeling of loneliness. 

Reuniting with Kalluto would probably make him feel better. Having failed his parents didn’t have to mean he disappointed Kalluto too, right? 

_18:06 Illumi: Great, I'd love to see him._

_18:10 Silva: Meet him tomorrow. He will text you later._

\-- 

Later that night, Illumi was sitting in his hotel suite, staring at a book, but not really reading. Kalluto had texted him only a moment after Silva, and they figured they would meet up to have dinner at the ramen restaurant and go on the mission together after that. 

He was looking forward to seeing his youngest brother, and honestly, the fact Kalluto couldn't leave the Troupe until next day made him kind of sad. He was happy to see he enjoyed being part of the Troupe, but the idea of spending a night in Yorknew all by himself made the continuous ache in his stomach even stronger. 

He looked at the time. 22:00. He still hadn't eaten anything, but he didn't feel hungry at all. He decided to take a shower, and go to bed afterwards. The sooner would fall asleep, the sooner he would get to meet Kalluto. 

\-- 

Illumi had gone to bed after showering, but he was wide awake. He hadn't slept well for the last couple of weeks, and the little sleep he had gotten was filled with terrifying nightmares. His forehead was damp with sweat, and his body was still hurting. It was uncharacteristic for him to feel so uncomfortably warm, but he simply couldn't help it. 

Being alone in Yorknew felt even lonelier than Kukoroo Mountain. Even though the Zoldyck estate wasn't the most cosy place, he was never alone there. Even though Killua, Alluka and Kalluto weren't there most of the times, there was always someone home. 

If Silva, Kikyo and Zeno left the mansion for assassinations, Milluki would, almost always, be there. 

The second eldest child lived a very loney, isolated life. He'd only leave his room for food, and even if he wouldn't, his parents wouldn't care at all. They had given up on him years ago. Killua hated him and Illumi wasn't sure if Milluki even cared at all. Illumi, however, did care about his brother the same way he cared about the rest of his siblings. 

Illumi had been only five when Milluki was born, and until Killua's birth seven years later, it had always just been the two of them. 

The times Illumi's training went too far, after the few occasions that made him cry, and even that one moment when Silva realized he had already been too broken to make a suitable heir, Milluki had been there. 

He probably wasn't even aware of it, because he had been a child most of the times, but having someone to talk to after intensive torture had comforted Illumi many, many times. He had helped his brother out just by being there. 

A month ago, when Illumi came back from Yorknew, heartbroken, empty and confused, only Milluki, again, had been there. 

Illumi would occasionally visit him and they would play games and eat snacks together, and though he didn't even pay attention to his brothers company half of the times, Milluki would never send Illumi away. He really appreciated that, and it made him feel bad for not asking about his brothers well-being more often. He decided he’d pay more attention to him once he was back at the estate.

Here in Yorknew, he had no one to visit. 

Kalluto wouldn't be available until tomorrow, and, being an assassin, Illumi didn't have any friends. He felt cloistered, and the way everything in Yorknew painfully reminded him of Hisoka made him feel suffocated. 

He didn't want to admit it, but every part of him missed the magician. 

_He probably never even loved you, remember? Only your family loves you. Get over it._

He kicked away the bedsheets and looked over at the alarm clock at the nightstand. 23:50. He started to feel a sudden urge to leave the hotel suite. Maybe some fresh air would be good for him. After hesitating for a moment, he decided to go out for a walk. 

\-- 

Even though it wasn't weekend, the Yorknew streets were lively at night. The chilly breeze felt nice to Illumi's feverishly warm face, and just walking around without any purpose made him able to empty his head a little. 

Many of the places he passed still reminded him of Hisoka, in a painful way, but the crowded streets still managed to distract him from his thoughts and feelings for a bit. 

After half an hour, he started to feel raindrops falling on his face. He decided to continue his walk, but soon it started pouring. He looked around, slightly annoyed, and entered an expensive looking bar he saw across the street. 

\-- 

He decided to take a seat at the bar and have some drinks. For a moment he wished he could get wasted easily, like a normal person, and forget about everything for one night. His immunity to poisons, however, also gave him a strong resistance to alcohol. He had gotten drunk a few times before with Hisoka, but it had taken two entire bottles of vodka. 

"If I had known you are so cute when you're drunk, I would have made this happen way earlier, Mimi," Hisoka had grinned. They had been sitting together in the living room during a cold spring night, snuggled up with blankets in front of the fire. "The alcohol adds a little blush to your pretty, porcelain face." 

In every other occasion he would have wanted to protest, but the alcohol had made him feel a bit looser. Besides, the feeling of the alcohol, the fire and his head resting on Hisoka’s bare chest had made him feel way too comfortable to play coy. "Oh." 

Hisoka had cupped both of his cheeks before looking deeply into his eyes from above him, still grinning, like usual. Gleaming yellow had met pitch black for a second, and then Hisoka had started to smooch him, planting kisses and kitten licks all over his face. “You have no idea how much I love you, Illu.”  


The memory made his heart skip a beat.

_Did he really lie? Was he really pretending the entire time?_

"Hey," 

A voice snapped Illumi out of his thoughts. 

"You want another drink?" 

He turned his head and looked into a pair of unfamiliar gray eyes. He blinked in surprise. 

"Excuse me?" 

"Oh, I saw you sitting here alone at the bar, and if I may say so, your appearance caught my attention. So I would like to buy you a drink." 

"My appearance?" Illumi didn't understand why. He was wearing casual clothes, not his assassin outfit. He looked down to his all black clothes; slacks and a turtleneck. The pins he was carrying were hidden in his sleeves and trousers, so that couldn't be it either. 

The unknown man smiled gently at him. "It was a compliment. You look very handsome. Now please, let me buy you a drink." 

Illumi hesitated for a second. He felt a little uncomfortable around strangers, but the loneliness he has been feeling ever since he arrived at Yorknew was even worse. In fact, he had nothing to lose. 

"Okay." 

The stranger sat down on the stool next to the assassin, and Illumi observed him. The man was slightly shorter than he was, and he guessed they were around the same age. He had gray, almond shaped eyes and medium length, eggplant colored hair tied up in a messy bun. He was wearing a white oversized shirt and a pair of dark jeans. 

"Oh, how rude of me. I haven't introduced myself. My name is Kazu." 

"Illumi." 

"That's a pretty name. Okay, Illumi, what do you want to drink?" 

"Vodka, please." 

"Great choice." 

The bartender arrived and Kazu placed their order. A few moments later, the waiter arrived. He brought the drinks and Illumi and Kazu chatted for a while. 

Kazu asked a lot of questions, and Illumi dodged a lot of answers. He purposely didn't mention anything about his job, Hisoka and his family name. He was still feeling a little awkward, but for some reason talking to a stranger, for now, was better than the loneliness. 

\-- 

About two hours and several glasses of vodka later, Illumi had started to feel very tipsy. He had drunk a lot more than a normal person could handle, but he still hadn't expected the alcohol to hit this hard. Usually, it would have taken more to get him drunk. He realized he hadn't eaten anything all day, so that must have been the reason. Kazu was most definitely drunk too. 

"Excuse me, it's almost three in the morning, we are about to close." The bartender said loudly. The remaining guests all started to stand up and walk to the entrance. 

"Time to go," Kazu said smiling, and he stood up. Before Illumi could protest, he had grabbed his hand to help him to his feet. The gentle touch of Kazu's hand surprised him. 

Even when they exited the bar, Kazu didn't let go of Illumi's hand. Illumi wasn't sure if he wanted them to hold hands, but he couldn't think properly anymore. 

He couldn't think when Kazu pulled him closer. 

He couldn't think when he pushed him against the wall. 

He couldn't think when Kazu leaned in and kissed him, and for some reason he automatically kissed back. 

The last person Illumi had kissed was, of course, Hisoka. Hisoka's lips were soft and tasted like bubblegum, and of course Kazu couldn't compare. Probably no one could ever come close. However, Illumi didn't stop him when he opened his mouth against his, so he parted his lips and let their tongues met.

They kept kissing, pushed against the wall of a building, out in the open. Kazu placed one hand on Illumi's hip, and stroked his hair with the other. "You're so beautiful," Kazu said in his mouth, "and you taste so good." 

The kiss didn't make Illumi feel anything at all, but he didn't care. He was drunk and this stranger distracted him from his broken heart. Maybe this was a good step in his process to forget Hisoka. 

It was because of this that Illumi agreed to join Kazu to his hotel. It was only a fifteen minute walk, but it took them a little longer because they were drunk, and Kazu kept stopping to touch, caress and kiss Illumi. The assassin just let him, unsure about his feelings.

Once in the hotel, Kazu couldn't keep his hands off the assassin. His room was at the fourteenth floor, and the elevator was slow, too slow. He grabbed Illumi's ass with both hands and started kissing and sucking his neck. Illumi was a bit surprised by this behavior, but still, he was too wasted and maybe a little too broken to care.

"I'm really glad I met you tonight, Illumi," Kazu told him while they entered the hotel room. "From the moment I saw you, I wanted to take you with me." 

He grabbed Illumi's hand again and dragged him towards the bed. He immediately pushed him down so they were both sitting on the bed and kissed him again, fast, wet and sloppy. Illumi didn't feel any of the flaming passion Hisoka's kisses made him feel, but once again, he didn’t care.

Maybe he just missed the physical contact with Hisoka. The thought briefly crossed his mind. Despite their complicated relationship, the sex had always been good. Maybe being intimate with somebody else would be the solution he was looking for. 

Kazu kept showering him in kisses, and started unbuttoning the assassin's slacks while panting against his lips. 

Illumi didn't stop him. 

He pulled down Illumi's trousers as he moved his mouth to his neck. 

Illumi didn't stop him. 

His hand stroke Illumi's inner thigh as he pushed him down so he was laying on his back. 

Illumi didn't stop him. 

He moved his right hand down Illumis still clothed torso and slid it into his underwear. 

Illumi didn't stop him. 

He grabbed the assassin's cock and started stroking him. The sudden touch made Illumi freeze for a second, and his eyes widened. 

He had never had any sexual interaction with anyone other than Hisoka. He had kissed targets before, but he always made sure he killed them before they could even try to go further.

The feeling of Kazu jerking him off was weird, very weird. Illumi started to feel sober again, as if he hadn't realized what he was doing until now. 

Still, Illumi didn't stop him. 

_Illumi, are you sure about this?_

Kazu suddenly let go of Illumi and leaned back on his calves, as he started to unbutton his jeans. He made quick work of taking them off, and kissed Illumi's neck again. Meanwhile, Illumi was still contemplating the upcoming events, now feeling completely sober. 

_If you're not sure about this just stop him, Illumi._

He still didn't do anything when Kazu moved Illumi's turtleneck up and brought his mouth down to his nipple and stared kissing it. The ache in his stomach he had been feeling a lot recently suddenly started to hurt more than ever. 

_Stop him, Illumi._

He didn't know what to do. Because the one person he'd had sex with before, was still the only man he'd ever want to be intimate with. He started to realize he didn't want to have sex with this stranger, but for some reason he also didn't want to stop just because of Hisoka. Their relationship was over and he needed to forget about him. He couldn’t have Hisoka let this control over him.

Kazu, still drunk, had no idea about Illumi's past, his heartbreak or his dilemma. He kept kissing all over Illumi's body, and grabbed the assassin's half-hard cock again. 

_Getting your ass filled won't fill the emptiness, Illumi._

Kazu's lips moved to the corner of Illumi's mouth again, and started placing gentle kisses. He certainly didn't have any intentions to hurt Illumi, and yet it felt strange. 

_Illumi, stop him._

He moved back to Illumi's neck and started sucking, dragging his second hand lower. 

_Illumi, stop him._

He felt Kazu leaning closer to him, so their torsos were touching. He felt his hardness pushed to his belly. 

_Stop him, Illumi._

He hadn't even noticed there was a bottle of lube on the nightstand until Kazu grabbed it. 

_Letting him fuck you won't make you feel better, Illumi._

He opened the bottle and dripped some of the liquid on his fingers. Illumi still didn't do anything to stop him, and Kazu had no idea. Why wasn't he telling him to stop? 

_Illumi, stop him._

Kazu leaned over Illumi again, grabbing his ass with his lubed fingers, in an attempt to spread his cheeks. 

"Okay, now relax, Illu." 

Illu. 

_Illu._

The nickname was the final straw to make something in Illumi snap. Onyx eyes widened, long, black hair started floating as if they were underwater and all of a sudden the room was filled with an omnious, ice cold, murderous aura. At this point, Illumi was more than certain this was not what he wanted. In fact, he had already gone way too far. 

He didn't know if Kazu was a nen-user, but he definitely noticed the change in Illumi's attitude. He moved away his hand. "I'm sorry, Illu, I thought you wanted-" 

He couldn't even finish his sentence, because hearing the nickname a second time triggered Illumi's bloodlust even harder. By the time Kazu realized what was going to happen, it was too late already.  
Illumi had stabbed three thick, sharp, pins right in the middle of his throat. 

He didn't know how it happened, but the next second Kazu collapsed on top of him, blood pouring out of the wounds. Usually Illumi's kills weren't this sloppy, but the alcohol lingering in his system combined with the sudden stress he was feeling overwhelmed him.  
He let out a sigh and threw his head back, Kazu bleeding out on top of him. 

"I'm sorry, Kazu," Illumi grinned as the smell of blood filled up the space. "I changed my mind." 

\-- 

A few moments later, Illumi was still in Kazu's hotel room, sitting on the bed with the dead body next to him, his turtleneck and his hair drenched in his poor victims blood. 

The bloodlust that had taken over him a few minutes earlier had died down, but the deep, painful sadness had started to kick in again.

He couldn't comprehend he almost let a stranger fuck him just because he had gotten drunk and missed Hisoka. At that moment, he was very, very happy they didn’t go all the way. He definitely didn't want to have sex with someone else but the magician, at least not at this moment in time. Honestly, he wondered if he'd ever want to. He knew he should leave Hisoka in the past, but for now, he couldn’t. Not just yet.

He stood up and realized his body was shaking again. He looked over at the mess in the room before opening the door and walking down the hallway towards the elevator.

Outside, it was raining. The wind blew heavily, but Illumi barely noticed as he exited the hotel and started walking. This time, no one was outside anymore, probably because of the bad weather. 

He didn't walk in the direction of his hotel, but he didn't care. He could feel his heart beating in his throat even faster and he could hardly breathe. His legs felt heavy and his hands were shaking, but he kept walking. He felt numb and yet he was hurting more than ever at the same time.

As he came closer and closer to his destination, tears welled up in his eyes, and very soon they started streaming down his face. He had been holding back his tears every single night ever since the breakup, but he couldn't take it anymore. 

He weeped as he walked through the empty streets of Yorknew, and he didn't stop once he entered an incredibly tall building downtown. He didn't stop when he grabbed his keycard to access the elevator, and he didn't stop when the elevator took him to the highest floor. 

_You shouldn't be here, Illumi._

The moment he stepped out of the elevator, his legs started to feel wobbly, but even heavier at the same time. He was still crying and his vision had gotten all blurry, and he started to feel nauseous and dizzy. Despite this feeling, he walked through the hallway to the door. 

_You'll regret this._

As soon as he reached the door, he took a deep breath. 

_He can’t see you like this, Illumi. You don’t even know if he truly loved you._

He reached out and rang the doorbell. 

A moments later, the door opened. Golden, fox-like eyes widened at the sight of the assassin, weeping, soaked with rain and blood. 

"H-hi, Illumi. What a pleasant surprise." 

Pitch black eyes, sparkling with tears, stared back at him.

"Good evening, Hisoka."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was chapter 3! I really hoped you enjoyed reading it because I really had a lot of fun writing.
> 
> Reading comments make me very happy (and scared LMAO) so feel free to leave one!!


	4. A Bittersweet Visit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After he left, Illumi must have been touch deprived, dying for affection. Now that he was having sex for the first time since their breakup, he realized how much he had missed this. 
> 
> How much he had missed him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my first time writing (kind of) smut and I'm nervous nsbdnshsns
> 
> Once again, thanks to my friend for taking the time to betaread it, I appreciate it so much MWAH <3

"Are you sure you want this?" 

"Yes." 

"Promise? I don't want you to-" 

"I said yes." 

"Okay, Illu. Are you ready?" 

"Yes. Now get on with it." 

Illumi was immediately welcomed by a warm, comforting wave of relief when he felt Hisoka pushing inside him. He noticed his breath finally seemed to ease the moment he bottomed out. The empty pain he had been feeling in his heart vanished as Hisoka started thrusting into him slowly, gently, softly. 

After he left, Illumi must have been touch deprived, dying for affection. Now that he was having sex for the first time since their breakup, he realized how much he had missed this. 

How much he had missed _him._

The assassin could have known this was going to happen when he appeared at Hisoka's doorstep, crying his eyes out, soaking wet and drenched in Kazu's blood. Seeing Illumi ruffled after a kill had always been a turn on for Hisoka, and seeing him covered in blood drove him over the edge. Illumi knew this. 

Still, this wasn't what he intended when he rang the magicians doorbell. In fact, he hadn't had any intention at all. He had felt exhausted, drenched from everything that happened earlier that night, still nauseous and hurting from the heartbreak. 

He had tried to stop himself, but he simply couldn't take it anymore. After getting drunk, almost having sex with a stranger and ending up killing him in an immense wave of bloodlust, he was aching for Hisoka's comfort. 

Honestly, he had been aching for Hisoka's comfort ever since he'd left him. He had been haunting his mind every single hour of every single day from the moment he went back to Kukoroo Mountain. Everything around him reminded him of the magician and even the smallest things could trigger memories of the times they had been together. After tonight, he couldn't take it anymore. He had been feeling numb and hurt at the same time, deeply disgusted by his own behavior. Without even thinking properly he had walked to Hisoka's place. 

He had completely given in to his weaknesses, but for now, he didn't care. 

Because now he was in Hisoka's room, with Hisoka on top of him in the bed he'd been sleeping in for months before he left. 

The feeling of Hisoka thrusting into him made him feel high. At that moment, he felt like all of his problems had disappeared. The stinging pain of his broken heart, the intense, empty loneliness that had been taking over him, the regret of letting Kazu touch him, the doubts about Hisoka's feelings and his mother's disappointed words were all far, far away. Everything felt like it had all been a surrealistic fever dream. 

Hisoka had his face buried in Illumi's neck, panting against his ear and placing sweet kisses everywhere he could reach. Every single kiss sent a shiver down Illumi's spine. One hand was stroking his outer thigh, and the other one grabbed his hand. Hisoka entwined their fingers, seemingly desperate to hold him. Illumi had his legs wrapped around the magician waist, his free hand tangled in his hair. 

He closed his eyes as he felt a kiss pressed on his earlobe, followed by a sweet nibble. Droplets of sweat started forming on his forehead while Hisoka was fucking him into bliss. He wished he could stop the time forever. 

He inhaled Hisoka's sweet cinnamon scent, and felt his body starting to tremble. He pulled him even closer, rolled his hips and started fucking up in an attempt to make Hisoka rail him deeper and faster. The latter complied, making Illumi choke for a moment. 

Hisoka's mouth moved to his neck and started kissing and biting, slowly but surely marking the pale, soft skin with bruises and hickeys. The intoxicating feeling of Hisoka’s mouth on his neck ran another shiver down Illumi's spine. Goosebumps appeared on his skin and he felt his heart bounce rapidly in his throat, but for the first time in ages, not in a bad way. He moaned without even noticing and threw his head to the side to give better access to the magician, who happily accepted the invitation and kept nibbling and sucking, occasionally panting against his neck. 

"I miss you so much, sweet Illu." 

Black eyes cracked open the moment he heard Hisoka's voice, snapping him out of his thoughts, immediately crashing him down from cloud nine. 

The words had startled him and he instantly felt the anxiety take over his body again. His body started shaking even heavier as the angst and doubts kicked in again. 

Hisoka said he missed him. 

Did he really? 

The last couple of weeks he had been thinking about Hisoka's current situation a lot. He had no clue how he had been feeling or how he'd spent his days. Had he been thinking about Illumi the way Illumi had been thinking about him, reminiscing memories whenever he had gotten the chance? Did he also lay awake all night, cold and alone, fighting to hold back his tears? 

Probably not. He had probably been sleeping around as if he'd never met Illumi, and living his life exactly the same, having already forgotten about him. 

At least, that's wat Illumi had told himself before. But now Hisoka said he missed him. 

_What if he's lying,_ Illumi thought. 

Not knowing what to say, he didn't respond. 

"I really do. I want you to know." 

_You know he's a good liar, Illumi._

"I want you to know what you mean to me." 

_For a liar, words mean nothing._

Hisoka kept fucking him hard as he was confessing his feelings in Illumi's ear. The latter remained silent, frozen in his grip. 

"I always thought I'm too fucked up to care about others..." 

He leaned in close so their noses were touching. 

Illumi had been doubting Hisoka's feelings ever since his conversation with Kikyo, and now he was very, very confused. Back at the Zoldyck estate, far away from Hisoka, it had been easy to tell himself everything he'd ever said to him had been a lie. At certain moments, he knew for sure Hisoka had never really loved him. 

"...but you're pretty broken too, and you showed me I'm capable." 

_You're not broken, Illumi._

He brought his face even closer, lips brushing Illumi's. 

Now, Illumi felt helpless. He was laying under Hisoka with his cock in his ass, and he wanted nothing more than for Hisoka’s words to be genuine. His body was damp with sweat and he was starting to panic. Hisoka's face moved to his neck again. 

"I have only truly been happy with you by my side." 

His voice sounded very horse and vibrating, but also painfully honest, and Illumi's breath hitched. Now he felt Hisoka's body tremble too. He was happy the magician still had his face buried in his neck, because he was too scared to look into his eyes at this point. 

_You don't need him, Illumi. You never needed him._

A warm, large hand grabbed his cock and Illumi gasped for air. Hisoka started stroking him. 

"You hurt me, Illu." 

_He hurt you too._

He felt a lump in his throat, overwhelmed by the sudden stimulation and the various emotions. He felt his cheeks flushing. Hisoka loved it when he blushed, so he always tried to overstimulate Illumi just for that to happen. 

"Stop talking." 

He tried his best to relax his tense body. For now, he just wanted to enjoy the sex without having to worry about his feelings. Hisoka pulled out and drove back all the way in, causing Illumi to start panting and fucking up his hand. Hisoka leaned in to place a kiss on the corner of his mouth. 

All of a sudden, Illumi's mind was filled with memories of the past year. In the meantime, Hisoka moved to his lips and kissed him deeply, still fucking him and stoking him at the same rhythm. He felt he was getting closer to coming. 

Illumi kissed him back and opened his mouth when he felt Hisoka's tongue softly asking for permission. Their tongues met and they continued kissing, wet and passionate. 

Tears welled up in Illumi's eyes, but he only realized when they started running down his cheeks. 

_Fuck._

He didn't want to cry. Not in front of Hisoka again. 

_Don't cry, Illumi._

He tried to stop, but he couldn't help it. The sudden flow of memories, Hisoka's confessions and the current situation made him lose his last bit of self control. Without wanting to, he started sobbing. 

_Stop crying, Illumi._

Hisoka must have noticed, because he pulled away, a string of saliva still connecting their mouths as he slowed down. He let go of Illumi and pushed himself up on both hands, to look him in the eyes. He had a uncharacteristically worried expression on his face, and his golden eyes were serious and slightly sad. He looked into Illumi's big, pitch black, sparkling wet eyes. 

He had cried during sex several times before, but this time was different. This wasn't because of overwhelming excitement or overstimulation. He was hurting. 

"Are you okay?" 

_No._

"Yes. Don't stop." 

Hisoka pecked his forehead gently and tucked away a strand of hair before he resumed fucking him. The sweet kiss made his forehead feel like it was burning and his mind was still overflowing with memories. 

Hisoka spoiling him with presents he didn't need at all, Hisoka insisting on him doing his makeup, Hisoka sucking him off in the backseat of a taxi with only a blinded window separating them from the driver, Hisoka making him excessive breakfasts on Sunday morning, Hisoka buying him lingerie just so he could take it off, Hisoka making him hot chocolate even though he denied feeling cold after a late job. 

It really was too much. 

He couldn't take it anymore. 

Apparently, Hisoka realized this. He slowed down once again. 

"Illu.. Are you sure you're okay, baby?" 

As soon as he heard the pet name, he lost it. Again. 

He grabbed Hisoka by the throat, nails digging into his skin, and threw him on the bed roughly so he was laying on his back. He placed himself on top of him, straddling his thighs, pressed down and started riding him, harder, faster, still holding grip on his throat. His other hand was holding onto Hisoka's shoulder, making the magician moan as soon as he pushed his nails into his flesh. 

"I believe I said stop talking." 

Hisoka grinned, surprised by the sudden rough approach. Of course Illumi's frustration aroused him. He grabbed his ass with one hand, and wrapped the other around his dick again. Illumi felt his muscles jump. He started moving his hand, matching their rhythm and Illumi leaned in, moaning, panting and still crying. He started nipping at his bottom lip until he tasted blood before pulling him into a sloppy, open mouthed kiss. 

He was very, very close. 

_Stop kissing him. You will grow attached to him again._

He decided to, for once, ignore his thoughts and let himself savor this moment with Hisoka. 

_No,_ Illumi said to himself. _The attachment never left._

\-- 

They were lying together, snuggled up in the bed. After both of them had come, Hisoka had carried Illumi into the bathroom the way he always did after he had topped. They had taken a long, hot shower together, and Hisoka had made work of washing Illumi's body and hair. 

He had grabbed his favorite products and washed his long, dirty hair first, carefully getting rid of Kazu's dried blood. After he'd washed away the suds he had grabbed a bottle of conditioner. He had massaged Illumi's entire body while the conditioner was working, kissing every part of him he could reach. 

Illumi had relished his touch, feeling satisfied and peaceful for the first time in forever. It seemed like all the recent events just hadn't been real, and all of Illumi's doubts had disappeared. 

After Hisoka had finished washing him, they had stayed in the shower for a while, comfortably holding eachother under the hot ray of water, kissing and embracing eachother. 

After a while they had gotten out, dried off and went to bed. Together, as if they never broke up. 

So here they were. Naked bodies pressed together and Illumi clinged to Hisoka like a koala, as if he was scared he'd have to let him go again. The magician stroke his freshly washed, damp hair and kissed the top of his head before he pulled away to look at him. 

"You have no idea how much I missed you, Mimi." Hisoka said while cupping Illumi's cheek, looking into his eyes. 

"Tell me then." 

"I don't want to think about it," he pressed another kiss on his head. "I just want you to stay with me." 

"I want to stay too." 

"I love you, Illu." 

"I love you too." 

They both leaned in at the same time, heads tilting, until their lips touched. 

And then Illumi woke up. 

Startled by the saccharine dream, he immediately sat up. He looked down to his naked body, which was still dirty, covered in lube, both of their cum and Kazu's blood. He looked to the right and saw Hisoka laying next to him. 

How did they fall asleep like this? 

Hisoka's arms were wrapped around Illumi's waist, and he was grinning in his sleep. He looked beautiful like this. Full, soft lips smiling a fond smile, eyes closed with long, black lashes. He had his wavy, cherry colored hair down and freckles decorated his nose. He usually covered them in texture surprise, but Illumi loved seeing him like this. 

_Don't look at him this way, Illumi. It's over._

He wished he could stay there forever and continue their old life like nothing happened. He looked to the other side of the room, the closed bathroom door, the balcony, the curtains. He missed living here. 

_He can't have any control over you, Illumi._

He looked at Hisoka again, and noticed a piece of cloth sticking out from underneath the pillow. Was that his shirt? Was Hisoka, the sly, dangerous, bloodthirsty murderer sleeping with _his shirt?_

He decided not to rack his brain over it. 

He had to leave, but he didn't want to. 

_Illumi, you should go._

He hesitated for a second, and pressed one last kiss to Hisoka's freckled nose. 

_What would mother think if she saw you like this?_

He rolled over to the side and stepped out of bed on shaking, wobbly legs, immediately starting to feel cold. 

_Leaving is the only option._

He gathered his wet, dirty clothes and put them back on. It was very, very uncomfortable, and his body felt sore. 

He walked towards the bedroom door and looked over his shoulder one last time. The magician was still smiling and hugging the sheets where Illumi had been laying a moment ago. Tears started forming in his eyes again. He openened his mouth to say something to the sleeping man, but he couldn't. 

By the time he exited the building and started walking, no, running towards his hotel through the pouring rain, tears were running down his face again. 

_Good job, Illumi. You fucked up._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was the fourth chapter! Like I said, I have never written a sex scene before so I'm a little scared to post this, but I hope you guys still like it. Be merciful please :)
> 
> Idk when the next chapter will be out, probably within a week like usual. I've also started to write a short fluff hisoillu fic, because I felt like it after writing so much angst. I hope people will be interested in reading that too, as I really enjoy writing about them. 
> 
> I love to hear what you think! Comments really mean the world <3


	5. Pins and Paper

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I thought you loved him, big brother," Kalluto had said. "Even the Troupe talked about it. They think I'm stupid because I'm young, but of course I understood." He stared at Illumi with a piercing, purple gaze. 
> 
> "I like Hisoka. I think he's quite fond of you too. Don't you love him anymore?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 5 baby! I don't really know what to say and my friend hasn't beta read yet because I'm impatient so I can't thank her this time.
> 
> This chapter contains canon-typical violence.

Exhausted and full of regret, Illumi arrived at his hotel suite. He had walked there on autopilot, ignoring his surroundings completely. The storm still brewed, and his face and hands were numb from the cold and the rain. 

After he unlocked the door to his room, he immediately rushed towards the bathroom. He turned on the hot water of the shower so it would be warm by the time he had undressed. He tried his best to avoid his reflection in the mirror; he didn't want to face himself after everything he'd let happen. 

_You're a mess, Illumi._

The assassin was very relieved to take his clothes off. He had put them back on right away when he woke up after his encounter with Hisoka, without cleaning up first. They smelled like alcohol because of the club, his turtleneck was stained with Kazu's dried blood, his shirt and his trousers were dirty and sticky from lube and both Hisoka's and Illumi's cum and everything was soaking wet. 

It was disgusting. 

He threw them on the ground hastily and attempted to run a hand through his hair, but he instantly got reminded that the long strands were also covered in blood. He opened the shower doors, still ignoring the mirror, and in a split second he collapsed on the floor. Again, he started sobbing. 

_When did you become such a baby, Illumi? You never cry._

He tried to gather himself and stand up, but he couldn't. His legs were wobbly, his ass was sore, he was cold, shaking and drained from all of his energy. 

_You're weak, Illumi._

He sat like that for a while, crying, aching, frustrated and furious at himself for everything that he had gotten himself into last night. 

After the hot water had warmed him up a little, his crying started to fade and he managed to get himself up to his feet. He grabbed the shower gel and started washing himself, aggressively rubbing his skin as if he was trying to wash away his feelings, and Hisoka's touch. Once he finished scrubbig his body, he started on his hair. It was filthier than ever before, but nothing some shampoo and conditioner couldn't fix. 

The moment he was done showering, he stepped onto the wet tiles of the bathroom floor and grabbed a towel. He dried off his body and wrapped it around his waist. For some reason the long, hot shower had actually made him feel a little better, so he found the courage to look in the mirror. 

He looked extremely tired. His deep black eyes were red from crying and surrounded by dark circles, and his skin looked dull and grayish. His entire neck, from below his jaw all the way down to his collarbone, was covered in bruises, bite marks and hickeys. He caught himself thinking that this was fortunately Hisoka's work, as Kazu didn't use nearly as much force when he kissed his neck. 

_Why fortunately? Because you gave him the opportunity to use you again?_

The thought of Hisoka working on his neck sent a shiver down his spine. He bit his lip at his own thoughts, and started to dry his hair. 

\-- 

A few moments later he was in the bedroom, clean, finally ready for bed. He glanced at his phone. Almost seven in the morning. Luckily, he still had about twelve more hours before meeting Kalluto. 

He slit underneath the covers and turned off the light. Despite everything, he was too knackered to worry for now, and he fell into a deep sleep for the first time in a very long time -- except when he fell asleep in his ex-boyfriend's arms a few hours prior. 

\-- 

Hours later, Illumi woke up by the buzzing of his phone on the nightstand. When he saw it was only eleven in the morning, he felt annoyed. He really wanted to get some more rest. He was still feeling spent and he had plenty of time left. Reluctantly, he unlocked his phone to see who texted him. 

_11:03 Silva: Plan to stay in Yorknew longer. A client requested another assassination in two days._

The text made Illumi's heart sink. He really wanted to leave this place as soon as possible. 

_11:05 Illumi: I understand. I will extend my stay at the hotel._

_11:10 Silva: I will call you for more details later._

_11:10 Illumi: Thank you, father._

__He sighed, put his phone aside and threw his head back, hair fanning out on the pillow. The worried feeling started to creep back into his body._ _

__After the chaos he had created last night, he really wanted to leave Yorknew for a long time. He hadn't been pleased to go there in the first place, but now he had made the mistake of crawling back to Hisoka and letting him fuck him, the whole city was just one big reminder of the magician's existence sticking to his skin._ _

_Don't let him control your feelings, Illumi._

__He pulled the duvet all the way up to his eyes and tried to rest some more, slowly but surely dozing off._ _

__\--_ _

__Later that day, Illumi was sitting in a loveseat at the hotel with his laptop and his phone. He was checking the details of the upcoming job once more, and decided it was gonna be easy. All they had to do was break into a secret mafia base and kill everyone who was present. Piece of cake._ _

__Bringing Kalluto was far from necessary. He could easily finish this mission on his own, despite the high amount of targets. Still, he was happy to bring him._ _

__He looked at the time. Six in the evening. He stood up, to get himself ready. They agreed to meet up at the ramen restaurant at seven, and go to the location from there. He swiftly brushed his hair, even though it was perfectly smooth already, and opened his suitcase._ _

__He fished out one of his assassin outfits; the purple one he ordered Tsubone to find and pack for him. He quickly changed clothes and looked in the mirror. Instead of the lilac undershirt he usually wore with this outfit, he grabbed another turtleneck to hide the love bites._ _

__His mind wandered of to the last time Hisoka saw him in this attire._ _

__"I love this outfit, Lumi," he had purred. "I clearly remember the first time I saw you in it. Do you?" Illumi had nodded, hoping his hair could hide his flushed cheeks._ _

__Of course, it couldn't. Hisoka always managed to see things like that, especially when he didn't want him to. In a second he had pushed him against the wall and pressed his body against Illumi's. "You looked even hotter than usual." He had said against his neck while grinding against his groin, and Illumi had felt his face glow even warmer. "I have to leave for a job, Hisoka. Let me go." But he hadn't really done his best to free himself from his grip at all._ _

__Hisoka had ignored the protest and leaned close to his face, lips brushing. "That was the moment I knew I wanted you, babydoll-"_ _

__Illumi got startled by the buzzing of his phone, bringing him back from his thoughts. Once again, he felt instantly irritated by his own distracted mind. He wished he could just remove Hisoka from his memory entirely, sighed and checked his phone._ _

_18:30 Kalluto: I am ready to leave._

_18:30 Illumi: Okay, I will send a taxi your way. See you soon._

__He immediately texted the taxi company. The drivers knew him, they knew his name and his family, so they would always be very fast, angstily trying not to piss him off. Very useful._ _

__\--_ _

__Only half an hour later, Illumi arrived at the ramen restaurant. After waiting outside for a minute, he saw a black taxi stop in front of him. By the way the driver exited the car to open the backdoor, he knew it was Kalluto._ _

__He was wearing a black furisode with lilac details, making him match Illumi's outfit by accident. He quietly walked towards him._ _

__"Hi, big brother."_ _

__Illumi kneeled to hug him. The Zoldyck siblings barely ever touched eachother, but he was very happy to see him._ _

__"Hey, Kallu."_ _

__Kalluto's body felt tense at first, probably startled by Illumi's sudden gesture of affection, but after a moment he relaxed in the embrace._ _

__"Good to see you," Illumi said, smiling at him after he let him go. "I missed you."_ _

__"I miss you too. It's fun with the spiders, but," he fell silent for a second as they entered the restaurant. "I liked working with you better. I wish you still lived here in Yorknew."_ _

__Illumi felt his stomach sink. They used to do jobs together every once in a while during the time he had lived in Yorknew, but he never realized Kalluto valued his time with him so much._ _

__Little Kalluto, the youngest child. Always overshadowed by Killua, never the center of attention because of Alluka's situation, like he was the forgotten son. It has always been like that, ever since he was born. Illumi, however, always did his best to spend time with him, pay attention to him and give him the love he deserved._ _

__But apparently, this time, he had let him down._ _

_So you disappointed both your parents and Kalluto, and Killua never even liked you to begin with. Very good, Illumi._

__"Kalluto, I-" he was quickly interrupted by a waiter, asking for their reservation. He twitched after hearing their last name and silently brought them to their table._ _

__They were seated facing eachother next to a window, having a great view of the crowded street the restaurant was located in._ _

_You let down your family,_ Illumi thought to himself. _First because you were too focused on riding Hisoka’s dick, and after that you were busy drowning in self-pity._

__"Big brother?"_ _

__Illumi hadn't noticed Kalluto was talking to him. He blinked, waking himself up from his thoughts. "I'm sorry, Kallu. What did you say?"_ _

__Kalluto's large, purple eyes were focused on the menu. "I asked which dishes are good. You've been here before, right?" He tilted the menu so they could look at it together. "Back when you lived here with Hisoka."_ _

__"Yes," Illumi swallowed. For some reason, Kalluto mentioning the magician caused him to feel a lump in his throat instantly. "You are correct. Let me see." He traced a slender finger across the ramen dishes._ _

__Eventually, they both picked some kind of paitan ramen with chicken broth and vegetables. Only minutes later two hot, steaming bowls were placed on the table. "Enjoy your meal, sirs." Illumi replied with a simple nod and the waiter quickly rushed away from the two assassins._ _

__Kalluto picked up the chopsticks gracefully and took a bite of the noodles._ _

__"Do you like it?" Illumi asked gently._ _

__"Yes. It's really good, thank you." Kalluto's mouth curled into a slight smile._ _

__"You should not thank me. I enjoy spending time with you." He was being genuine, and he wanted him to know he still cared for him. "In fact, I think I should take more jobs in Yorknew so we can meet up more often."_ _

__Frankly, a part of them didn't even want that. He hated being in Yorknew, he hated being constantly reminded of his relationship with Hisoka and he hated missing him._ _

__But he loved Kalluto._ _

__His family was more important than Hisoka, and it always had been. If being in Yorknew meant helping his family, or in this case, making Kalluto happy, he would do it without a second thought. If that would cause him to feel this burning emptiness, the draining exhaustion and the strange, stinging pain in his body every day, so be it._ _

__Family first._ _

__The way Kalluto's eyes twinkled when he said that, made him feel happy and worried at the same time. He decided to change the subject for now, and asked Kalluto about his life with the Phantom Troupe. They stayed like that for a while, eating delicious ramen and talking, enjoying eachothers presence._ _

__\--_ _

__They had been hanging out at the restaurant for hours, even after finishing their food. They had talked about the spiders, the upcoming mission, the family and more. Kalluto had also promptly asked Illumi why he and Hisoka broke up, startling him with the sudden question._ _

Illumi had tried to avoid answering him, because he didn't want to talk about the magician. His ass was still sore from their _accident_ the night before, making him feel even more uncomfortable. 

__"I thought you loved him, big brother," Kalluto had said. "Even the Troupe talked about it. They think I'm stupid because I'm young, but of course I understood." He stared at Illumi with a piercing, purple gaze._ _

__"I like Hisoka. I think he's quite fond of you too. Don't you love him anymore?"_ _

_Yes,_ he thought, not wanting to say it out loud. _I do._

__Illumi could still hear Hisoka's voice in his head. _"I have only truly been happy with you by my side,"_ he had said, along with many similar, painfully affectionate things. He had tried not to think about it, but the words lingered in his mind. _ _

__The last couple of weeks, he had spent a lot of time questioning Hisoka's feelings for him._ _

__After his conversation with Kikyo, he had been feeling more and more convinced all of his words and gestures had meant nothing. He had started to think the magician had been using him, manipulating him, trying to gain control over him._ _

__But last night, when Hisoka was whispering in his ear, buried deep inside him, confessing he missed him, saying he hurt him, kissing his forehead when he noticed the tears running down Illumi's cheeks, it had been almost impossible not to believe him._ _

__He had tried to tell himself he didn't need him, reminding himself Hisoka was a great liar, but deep inside, he couldn’t help but to believe his words had been genuine._ _

__Because of this, Illumi was very, very confused._ _

__He wanted to believe him, cherish his words but completely forget about him at the same time. He didn't want to lie to his youngest brother, but he didn't want to tell him the truth either. All of a sudden, Kalluto's mouth opened again._ _

__"I won't tell mom if you do."_ _

__Illumi swallowed. "Come," he gestured and stood up. "It's time to go to work."_ _

__\--_ _

__The mafia headquarter was located in a very old casino, in a separated part of the building that could only be accessed from a locked door outside. They could have disguised themselves and gone undercover, but it wasn't necessary. Milluki had hacked the security system unnoticed, and as soon as they could attack, he would text the door code to Illumi._ _

__They were waiting on top of the high building, exposed to the wind. The weather was still harsher than usual, but the storm that had brewed last night had calmed down._ _

__The wind blowed through Illumi's hair as he glanced down to Kalluto. "You have your transmitter?"_ _

__"Yes." He held it in front of Illumi._ _

__"Okay. Call me immediately if you require my help." He placed a hand on his shoulder and smiled at him. "It's faster and more efficient than your regular phone. I will try to keep an eye on you."_ _

__"I won't let you down, big brother."_ _

__The words kind of surprised Illumi. Why was Kalluto worried about letting him down? Even if he couldn't manage to kill anyone at all, he wouldn't mind. His safety was the top priority, even if that meant he had to do all of the work by himself. Initially, it had been a solo job for Illumi after all. Kalluto's help was merely for fun._ _

__Besides, Illumi let him down before by not checking up on him after moving back to Padokea._ _

__"The same to you."_ _

__Then finally, his phone buzzed._ _

_21:17 Milluki: You can go in. Everyone is inside. The door code is 2493. Camera's are turned off._

_21:18 Illumi: Okay. Going in now._

__"Are you ready?" He glanced at his brother. His pin-straight, shiny black hair reminded him of his own. Kalluto was very small, though, even for his young age. He looked like a mix of both of their parents; having inherited Kikyo's sharp nose, Silva's jaw but also a pair of large, sparkling purple eyes, no one know where those came from. He looked very determined and firm._ _

__"Yes," he grabbed two paper fans from the wide sleeves of his kimono. "Let's go."_ _

__Illumi nodded and wrapped his arm around Kalluto, holding him tightly, and in a split second he bolted down, leaped onto the fire escape of the building and in a lithe, smooth movement he jumped down to the ground gracefully, his hair beautifully floating behind him._ _

__The door was located next to the stairs, Illumi swiftly entered the code and the door swung open. He let Kalluto walk through the door before him, to keep an eye on him. They wandered through a dark hallway, unable to see anything. Illumi effortlessly used his gyo to focus all of his aura around his eyes, making it easy locate the targets. He could sense they were in gathered in a room right at the end of the hallway._ _

__According to his focused aura, there were about seventy people present, and they had to get rid off every single one of them. Won't be that hard. They could hear music and chatter coming out of the hall, and it made them feel like their visit wasn't expected._ _

__They moved towards the door, without making any sound. Because they couldn't see eachother, Illumi placed his hand on Kalluto's shoulder, to ask if he was ready to attack. He felt a paper fan tapping his hand, and he took it as a yes._ _

__He grabbed some needles from his purple overshirt and held them in his hand, ready to throw them at any second._ _

__He slowly opened the door, it came out in a dark corner of a spacious hall. There seemed to be some kind of private business party going on. People were sitting at tables, having drinks, listening to music and playing games like poker. The room was dark and decorated with neon lighting, and no one noticed the door had opened._ _

__Because of the darkness they could stay still in their corner, hiding in the shadows and observing the crowd._ _

__Illumi had been to a similar event about four months ago, but back then he only had to kill one target. Hisoka had insisted in going with him, and because it was a very small job, Illumi had agreed._ _

__Illumi had also agreed when Hisoka wanted to ride his cock in one of the luxurious restrooms. He often prompted to sneak out for sex when they were in public places, and because he always suggested to be the one that did the dirty work, Illumi had complied most of the times._ _

_Focus, Illumi. You're on a job._

__"Can I attack first?" Kalluto asked. "I want to try something." He warily held his fans. Though the mafia targets were usually vigilant, this wasn't the case today. For some reason, no one had even paid attention when an eleven year-old boy entered the room._ _

__"Yes. Go to the left corner over there." While Kalluto did exactly as he was told, Illumi stayed still in the corner, watching over his little brother, ready to attack._ _

__All of a sudden, the entire room was filled with confetti. Because it was dark, most people still didn't see anything, or maybe they thought it was some kind of party effect, like actual confetti. Kalluto started gracefully waving his fans from his corner when people finally started to pay attention to him._ _

__"Why is there a kid here?" An elderly man asked. "Why is he throwing shreds around?"_ _

__Illumi grinned. He knew Kalluto hated having to correct people. Suddenly, most of the confetti dropped on the floor, and the noise of the crowd slowly subdued. Everyone looked at the child with a confused expression, because no one had any idea what was going to happen._ _

__"It's confetti." Kalluto said with an apathetic face that looked almost like his brother's. He started waving his fans again and everyone watched silently as the paper started floating through the air again._ _

__Theoretically, they would have had plenty of time to stop him, as Kalluto's attack took relatively long to strike. However, because it was so unexpected, distracting and beautiful to watch, his targets were currently caught off guard, not thinking about defending themselves._ _

__Kalluto kept bending the confetti with his fans, until it merged into a large, white, serpentine shape. Snake dance. Without a warning, he sent his aura right through the crowd and viciously attacked, razor-sharp paper slicing through every target who had a piece of confetti attached to them._ _

__For Zoldyck standards, it was quite a sloppy way of killing. The snake ruthlessly slashed whatever body part the confetti pieces were attached to, causing the victims to lose several limps and just bleed out. Illumi, however, didn't mind, because he was still young and very talented. There was plenty of time to train._ _

__As Kalluto's snake dance roamed through the hall, more and more people collapsed on the floor and started bleeding out. At this point some of the unharmed targets got their senses back, and in a split second a knife was thrown at Kalluto._ _

__In any other situation, he easily could have dismissed it with his fans, but because snake dance was still working, he was completely defenseless._ _

__Illumi bolted in his direction, throwing a pin with perfect accuracy. The pin hit the knife with such incredible force it caused it to shatter. Small, sharp pieces dropped on the floor in front of Kalluto's feet._ _

__Snake dance disappeared, leaving about one third of the targets deceased or bleeding to death on the floor. Kalluto glanced at his result, and then moved his eyes at the broken shards on the ground._ _

__"Nice try," he admitted. "But no one is faster than my brother." He smiled sweetly at Illumi and the latter felt a wave of pride running down his body._ _

__The happy feeling immediately vanished when a second knife was thrown at his little brother. Again, Illumi could easily dismiss it, but he felt himself getting angry._ _

__Attacking Kalluto in front of him was very, very stupid._ _

__Before anyone could anticipate, he had sent a glistening rain of pointy, deadly pins flying through the entire room, perfectly aimed to instantly kill any of the fourty-something remaining, unharmed targets._ _

__Except for one._ _

__In the middle of the room, a bulky, blonde man sat alone at a table. He had two more throwing knifes, holding one in each of his hands. Illumi calmly walked towards him, glaring at him with ice cold onyx eyes._ _

__The man was most certainly a nen-user, because when Illumi's aura started growing stronger and darker, the man started to tremble in his seat. As he walked closer, the man dropped his knifes, body shaking, eyes widening, as a last resort to save himself._ _

__Of course, Illumi didn't have mercy._ _

__He looked at his right hand as he flexed his muscle and long, knife-sharp nails extended from his fingertips._ _

__He used his other hand to hold his terrified victim in place by his neck and his claws pierced the target's chest, and Illumi ripped his heart out in one smooth, lethal movement. He let go of the man's neck, causing him to fall forward and die, draped over the table. He dropped the victim's heart on the floor carelessly and turned around to look at Kalluto, who had been admiring him the whole time._ _

__"Let's go." Illumi said calmly, and he led Kalluto out of the building._ _

__\--_ _

__After taking a shower at Illumi's hotel room, Kalluto had left to the spiders hangout again. Two members of the Troupe, Feitan and Shizuku, were in the neighborhood. They had agreed to meet up at the corner of the street, and Illumi had called them a taxi so Kalluto didn't have to go back alone. Even though he wasn't fond of the Phantom Troupe, seeing they cared for Kalluto reassured him. He seemed to be enjoying his stay with them too._ _

__On the way back to the hotel, Kalluto had asked Illumi if he had done well._ _

__"I have killed twenty-one people with my attack. Is that good?" He had looked up to Illumi with big, questioning eyes. He was so pushy to himself, always eager to improve._ _

__"Yes, Kalluto. You were impressive." Kalluto had smiled a rare, shy smile. "I always like it when you use your assassin claws. I want to practice that too, so I can be as good as you are, one day."_ _

__Before they parted ways, Illumi had pulled Kalluto into an embrace. His little brother looked happy after spending time together, but he still felt guilty. "I wish you still lived in Yorknew," he had said prior to dinner. He told himself he could never let him down again, especially not for something as stupid as a heartbreak. After the jobs in Yorknew he had to go back to the estate, but he would come back for Kalluto soon, even though the idea of being here again made him nauseated._ _

__He had felt relatively good when working with Kalluto, Hisoka only being somewhere in the back of his mind. His body had still felt sore and the sadness had never really left, but seeing his brother happy made him feel a little more alive._ _

__Now that he was back alone in his hotel suite, the loneliness and emptiness he had been feeling in the pit of his stomach started to take over his body again._ _

__"I like it when you use your assassin claws," his brother had remarked._ _

__Hisoka liked them too._ _

__He had seen them about six times in total, probably fairly divided between during assassinations and during sex._ _

_Illumi, stop thinking about that._

__If it were up to Hisoka, Illumi would have drawn them every time, scratching up his back until he turned into a bleeding, whimpering mess.._ _

_You let Kalluto down because of him, Illumi._

__He promised himself that that wouldn't happen again one more time before grabbing his phone to prepare for his next job. Right at that moment, it buzzed._ _

_00:56 Silva: Prepare a disguise. You must go undercover._

__Illumi glanced at the message, shot a text back and started drawing out his plans. One more job and he could go back to Kukoroo Mountain for a while. Far away from Yorknew and far away from the memories._ _

__Far away from Hisoka._ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooooo I hope the job part wasn't too boring but I had to include it anyway. Next chapter will be a bit heavier!
> 
> I'm currently writing a smut oneshot and I intend on finishing that before posting chapter 6, but again, it won't take too long.
> 
> Let me know what you think, comments make me really happy!


	6. Bloodlust

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Illumi was almost done monitoring the room when he noticed it. A sinister, sweet, pink aura in another dark corner of the restaurant. A saccharine but highly dangerous energy Illumi would probably never forget, no matter how hard he tried.  
> He had sensed it, and even seen it work hundreds, maybe thousands of times. He had felt it. The assassin knew this aura and, more important, he knew who it belonged to. 
> 
> Fuck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! A bit later than expected, but here is chapter 6!! 
> 
> Thanks to my friend for beta reading it!! <3
> 
> This chapter contains canon-typical violence and panic attacks.

_22:07 Silva: Get ready. I will text you when you can leave._

_22:07 Illumi: I will be ready to go._

Illumi was standing in his hotel room, in front of the illuminated mirror. He looked at his reflection, to his big, endless deep black eyes, ebony hair and pale skin. 

He looked at his neck only to realize the love bites and bruises from his encounter with Hisoka three days ago were almost gone. This realization made his stomach sink a little, but he decided to ignore it. He wasn't feeling well, and thinking about Hisoka would only make it worse. 

One slender hand moved to the sink, which had a pile of sharp, long needles placed on it. He carefully gripped one, brought it up to his neck and shoved it down the front of his throat. Another one in both of his collarbones, three more in his sternum. 

The last two were to be inserted in the back of his neck. To anyone else the sharp, stinging pain would have been very unpleasant, but Illumi was used to it. Besides, physical pain was the last thing on his mind right now. 

Seconds later, his appearance started to change. His long hair got a lot shorter, and colored a warm, caramel brown. Black eyes became blue, the bright, icy color instantly reminding him of Killua. The image of his white-haired brother sent a shiver down his spine. 

The disguise was perfect and Illumi was unrecognizable. 

_One more job,_ he thought to himself. _Then you'll go back to the estate._

After finishing the job with Kalluto, Illumi had spent most of his time preparing for the second mission in Yorknew. Silva had instructed him to prepare a disguise, as they absolutely couldn't allow their next victim to see Illumi's face. 

The target was a member of the Rainer family. The head of the family, a famous real estate magnate, has been a long-term business partner of Silva and Zeno. A few days ago, a client had offered them half a billion jenny to assassinate his eldest son and heir, Dimitri. 

There were only a few jobs the Zoldycks would recline, and this certainly wasn't one of them. They simply didn’t care about the Rainers' lives. 

However, the family was responsible for a big part of the Zoldycks yearly income. The Rainers were trying to achieve a monopoly position, therefore they often needed their rivals to be killed. If the Zoldycks wanted to keep that constant cash flow, none of them could know they were the ones to assassinate him. They _did_ care about their money. 

In theory, the Zoldycks could easily miss the Rainers' share, but Silva most definitely did not want them to. Zoldycks loved money and they were always eager to expand their fortune. 

Illumi got dressed and looked at his reflection one more time. He looked unrecognizable, dressed in a simple grey sweater and straight black jeans. His pins were hidden underneath his clothes, which wasn't very comfortable, but he couldn't be recognized. Besides, he planned to finish this job quickly so he could finally leave Yorknew. 

He had to pose as a potential business partner for Dimitri, so they planned to have a dinner meeting at an expensive restaurant in one of Yorknew's suburbs. Illumi knew the restaurant quite well. 

Hisoka had taken him there for dinner several times. He really enjoyed going there. 

Illumi used to have a love-hate relationship with those dinner dates. Picking their dishes had always been a disaster. Everytime they visited the restaurant Illumi had made a decision quickly, but Hisoka usually hesitated for a very long time - only to pick the exact same thing as he always did. Some weird looking aperitif, an expensive truffle soup, some lobster dish and an exotic fruit dessert. 

Illumi despised the way Hisoka would be doubting forever, the way he always tried to touch him inappropriately and the way he always insisted on paying. He had said this to the magician several times. 

But he never told Hisoka he did appreciate how he always tried to spoil him, how he always seemed to put him first, how he gently placed his palm on his leg or held his hand, how he suddenly stopped eating to kiss him and how he always acted happy and excited as if it were their first date ever. 

_Had everything really been a lie? Could it be?_

Now, months later, he wanted nothing more than for the two of them go on a date like that again. As a couple. Together. Happy. 

_That's not going to happen, llumi. You broke up with him._

The buzzing of his phone startled him. He had been zoning out again. 

_21:40 Silva: It's time._

Illumi took a last glance at the pins and a bottle of poison he had hidden in his sleeves, and left the hotel once again, stomach heavy, hands shaking. 

\-- 

When Illumi arrived at the skyscraper where the restaurant was located, Dmitri was already there. They got escorted to their table, and started discussing the Rainer family's real estate business right away. 

They were seated next to a window in a corner of the restaurant. Illumi was happy with their placement, because this way he could easily kill Dimitri without drawing any attention. 

He planned on poisoning his last drink with Silent Goodbye, a scentless, colorless venom that worked slowly but efficiently. It took a few hours to get in one's system, but a few drops were enough to kill an adult. This way, Dimitri would die in his hotel room, alone, and because of Illumi's disguise no one would suspect the Zoldycks. 

The weather outside had been cold, but the venue was quite comfortable. The restaurant wasn't too crowded, but there were still plenty of people. For an assassination like this, the situation was perfect. 

Dimitri kept rattling, and Illumi wasn't listening. Fortunately for him, the Rainer heir was way too self-centered to notice. Words -mostly bragging- kept flowing out of his mouth automatically even though Illumi's attention had been long gone. 

He was absently looking around the restaurant, thinking about his dates with Hisoka. Memories of the first time they had been here together infiltrated his mind. 

The two of them had only been dating for three months, and Hisoka had insisted to take him out for dinner. Illumi had felt a little bit awkward, but in the end he had complied. It'd been a quiet, warm September evening, and once they had gotten here he'd realized letting Hisoka bring him here had been a good choice. The food had been great, the ambiance had been nice and the magician repeatedly touching his knee and holding and kissing his hand had made him feel loved and happy. 

By the time they had returned home late at night, Hisoka had been very tipsy, resulting in him being cheerful and even more affectionate than usual. They had taken a long, hot bubble bath together and eventually Illumi had topped him in their soft, cozy kingsize bed. 

Their positions had more often been the other way around, but Hisoka had been drunk, rendering him unable to fuck Illumi properly. After sex they had fallen asleep, bodies pressed together in a tight but soft embrace. The thought of it had goosebumps appearing over his entire body. 

Their first date here had been fun. 

"Enjoy your meal, gentlemen." 

The waiter bringing their food brought Illumi back to reality. The memory sent a nasty sting of pain through his heart and he started to feel anxious. He hadn't been feeling good ever since he arrived in Yorknew - or to be honest, ever since the breakup - but now the weird, anxious feeling in the pit of his stomach had started to increase very quickly. 

_Focus on your target, Illumi._

Illumi blinked, twice, and tried to focus on Dimitri again. He kept talking, even when he cut off a slice of his rib-eye and brought it to his mouth, but Illumi couldn't manage to listen to him. 

The assassin was starting to feel more and more uncomfortable and he wanted to leave as soon as possible. He wasn't sure what made him feel this way all of a sudden, but it was getting worse every second. Was it all just because he remembered his dates with Hisoka? 

_Illumi, focus._

He tried to finish his steamed duck as casually as he could without drawing Dimitri's attention. He felt his heartbeat go faster with every bite he took. The quicker they could get to the dessert, the quicker he could poison his target and leave the restaurant. 

Leave Yorknew. 

Dimitri still hadn't stopped talking, and Illumi had no idea how he could ever make a suitable business partner to anyone. People probably agreed with him for the sake of his family's fortune, because instead of initiating a normal conversation, all Dimitri did was hold long, boring, self-absorbed monologues. Illumi had no idea what he was talking about, and he felt his hands started to shake. 

The whole dinner felt like a weird, uncomfortable blur, and for some reason, Illumi started to feel nauseated. 

_Illumi, don't let your guard down._

The moment their desserts finally arrived, he felt himself breaking out in sweat. His breath started to feel heavy as he feverishly tried to find the source of this sudden outburst of anxiety. 

Ever since his arrival, Illumi had been blocking his aura using Zetsu. His energy was incredibly strong and uniquely dark, and therefore very memorable for people who had met him before. Because he couldn't take the risk to be recognized by anyone, he had to make sure no one could sense his lethal presence. 

At this point, however, he guessed Dimitri was too focused on himself to even notice Illumi's aura, so he was willing to make the gamble. 

He was feeling horrible and unfocused. He felt threatened. Paranoid. He wanted to know what made him feel this way. He _needed_ to know. 

So for only a few seconds, he let his aura flow through the space. En allowed him to inspect the whole restaurant without any trouble; Illumi was a thoroughly trained, professional assassin as well as a highly talented nen-user. He could easily sense the energy of every single person around without them noticing as his own aura filled up the room. 

As soon as he did, his breath hitched. 

He was almost done monitoring the room when he noticed it. A sinister, sweet, pink aura in another dark corner of the restaurant. A saccharine but highly dangerous energy Illumi would probably never forget, no matter how hard he tried.  
He had sensed it, and even seen it work hundreds, maybe thousands of times. He had _felt_ it. The assassin knew this aura and, more important, he knew who it belonged to. 

_Fuck._

Illumi's eyes widened, his entire body shivered, and he felt like he was going to be sick. 

"Excuse me, Dimitri," he said as he stood up from his seat. "I'll be right back." 

Dimitri has been very oblivious, only focused on himself, he hadn't even noticed Illumi's strange behavior. The assassin tried to move himself through the restaurant towards the restrooms, but his legs felt heavy. It felt like one of those dreams where you try to run away, but your legs won't work. 

Luckily he was still disguised, and after sensing Hisoka he had continued to hide his aura with Zetsu, so the magician couldn't notice his presense. 

_Don't get distracted, Illumi. You're at work._

As he slowly made his way towards the restrooms, he found Hisoka seated at a table they had sat together once before. Unfortunately for Illumi, he had to walk right past him to reach the toilets. He reluctantly walked in his direction, and when he came closer he saw an unknown, peach-haired woman sitting at the table with him. 

Illumi froze. Just the sound of him talking made him feel like he was going to choke. 

He sneakily observed Hisoka's body language, but the look in his eyes and the tone of his voice gave away his intentions instantly. Illumi's stomach twisted and his heart started to beat even faster. His body felt scorching hot and ice cold at the same time. 

Hisoka was on a date. 

Illumi quickly entered the restroom hall, disgusted by whatever he just witnessed. He felt sick, confused and angry, furious at both himself and his ex-boyfriend. 

Three days ago, Hisoka had been fucking Illumi like he never left, gently kissing his forehead while thrusting into him. He had told him he missed him, said he hurt him, stated he had only been happy when they were together, and now he was on a _date?_

_It's over, Illumi. This doesn't change anything._

Using his last bit of energy, he moved further towards one of the bathrooms. Before opening the door, he glanced to the dining area once more. He saw Hisoka stand up, grab the woman's hand, kiss it and drag her towards the exit. Hisoka was definitely on a date. 

_So mother was right. He never loved you._

Illumi's vision blurred as he basically collapsed on the bathroom floor. He managed to crawl towards the toilet, grabbing the seat right on time before he started to vomit. 

_How could you let him fuck you again, Illumi?_

He barely noticed he was viciously throwing up, emptying his entire stomach into the toilet bowl, causing tears and ice cold sweat to run down his face. 

Hisoka was on a date. 

_He's already forgotten about you._

He breathed in, once, but immediately vomited again. His throat burned and his stomach hurt as he gasped for air. 

_You let down your family for a man who doesn't care about you._

Illumi couldn't remember the last time he had thrown up - or even gagged. His intense food resistance training combined with his poison immunity had resulted in a stomach of steel, but now, he couldn’t hold it anymore. He felt himself puke one last time before wiping his mouth with his sleeve. 

_Don't be weak, Illumi._

He sighed, stood up on wobbly legs, vision still blurry and wet. At this point, he wasn't sure if his tears were a result of the vomiting, or if he was just crying. His entire body was shaking as he leaned against the bathroom wall. He felt weak, desperate and empty. Hisoka was on a date. 

_You have to finish your job, Illumi._

He turned on the tap to drink some water, and rolled up his sleeves to prevent them from getting wet, momentarily forgotten the pins he had hidden on the inside. His inattentiveness caused them to drop on the floor, and when he reached down to gather them the bottle of poison rolled out of his other sleeve. Illumi clumsily tried to catch it, but he was panicking, hands trembling, so he missed and it dropped on the floor. Hard. 

It was broken. Shattered, together with Illumi's assassination plan. 

The broken poison bottle was the final straw for Illumi. Hisoka was on a date with some random woman, only three days after telling him he missed him. It was his fault Illumi had been feeling sick, and it was his fault he had just dropped his bottle of poison. 

But it was also his own fault. His mother, who loved him and cared for him more than anyone else in the world, had tried to warn him. He had been doubting Hisoka's feelings for weeks, and still he visited his penthouse. He had disappointed his family because he was too focused on him, and yet he happily let him fill up his ass as soon as he got the chance. 

_Great job, Illumi._

He felt himself growing more and more frustrated, with both himself and Hisoka. 

Illumi looked in the mirror and viciously pulled the pins out of his neck, collarbones and sternum with such an aggressive force the wounds started to bleed. His needle holes had never bled before, but he didn't care. The disguise started to fade. Caramel hair colored black, blue eyes turned an even darker black. Within a few seconds, Illumi got his own appearance back. 

However, his usually calm demeanor was nowhere to be found. His eyes were blacker and deadlier than ever. A lethal, dark purple aura was viciously flowing out of him and long, silky strands floated around him like a cold, omnious storm. 

He should have stopped himself, but he couldn't think clearly anymore. It felt like his heart had just been broken again. This was too much. 

Illumi stormed back to their table, carelessly jabbing needles at anyone who blocked his way for only a second. The whole restaurant was noiseless, all eyes were on the assassin who was oozing bloodlust, killing people as if it were nothing. 

He grabbed Dimitri by his throat and pinned him to the wall, not thinking about the fact he'd immediately recognize him as the eldest Zoldyck son. 

"Il-Illumi.. Zoldyck?" 

Instead of responding, he grabbed two pins, one in each hand, and slowly pushed them into Dimitri's eyes. He didn't stop when he let out an ear-piercing scream and he didn't stop when blood covered the majority of his hands. He only let go when he felt Dimitri's body become limp and the pins couldn't go deeper. The corpse dropped on the floor and the sight of it made him laugh uncontrollably. 

Illumi turned around, and in a split second, a wave of pins flew through the space. Similar to during the job with Kalluto, he instantly killed every single one of the remaining guests and staff. As the last innocent victims bled out on the floor, Illumi blinked and sat back down on his seat. 

He felt betrayed, hurt and alone, more than ever before. 

It took a second for him to realize what he had done. His sudden lose of control was certainly going to result in Silva losing his business partners, and Zeno would get mad at him for murdering people that weren't targeted. 

_You fucked up again, Illumi._

He rushed out of the restaurant with an unnatural high speed. At least Hisoka wouldn't go on a date here anymore. 

\-- 

A few moments later Illumi arrived back at the hotel. His body felt weak and exhausted, almost completely numb. He had just closed the door behind him as he felt his phone buzzing in his pocket. 

_00:15 Silva: Come home now._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THAT WAS IT! I felt super sad writing this chapter, so I hope it's good. Hurting Illumi like this really hurt me, even though I'm definitely giving them a happy ending.
> 
> I really hope two assassination chapters in a row weren't too boring, but it's over now. 
> 
> Please let me know what you think, reading comments makes me so happy! Happy holidays <3


	7. A Few More Minutes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here they were. Illumi was restrained, wearing nothing but underwear. His entire body was covered in cuts, burns, bruises, fresh blood and sweat. Kikyo was standing in front of him, physically punishing him and verbally scolding him. It had been like this for the last five hours. 
> 
> "You must know, we are very disappointed in you. We thought you were the perfect assassin."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, here is chapter 7! The angst is pretty heavy this time, and it contains torture, panic attacks, a suicide attempt and self-harm. Please keep in mind it will have a happy ending!
> 
> Thanks to my friend for beta reading it as always <3

_Slap._

"Why did you have to ruin this job, darling?" 

_Slap._

"You ended our alliance with the Rainer family." 

_Slap._

"Father's very angry at you, Illumi." 

_Slap._

"But of course, you understand you need a punishment." 

_Slap._

"Good boy." 

Illumi was back at the Zoldyck estate. Chained, almost naked, locked up in one of the chambers in the dungeons. Kikyo was hitting him with a whip, countless times, but he didn't care. 

This was what he deserved. He needed a punishment so he wouldn't make the same mistake again. His mother was doing this out of love, and he was grateful she was still willing to help him. 

_Slap._

The whip struck his face for the seventh time this afternoon, cutting his eyebrow and hitting his already bleeding nose. 

_Slap._

It landed on his chest, slicing through his left pec with a stinging slash. 

_Slap._

His belly. 

_Slap._

His thighs. 

_Slap._

His face, again. 

_Slap._

His stomach. 

The flight to Padokea had been shorter than ever, and yet it'd felt like a lifetime. Usually, the flight from Yorknew to Kukoroo Mountain would take about ten hours, but Silva had made Milluki send one of the fastest aircrafts in the world to pick Illumi up. 

As a result, he had opened the gates of the estate only a small eight hours after coming back at his hotel after the disastrous job. Canary had greeted him politely, but he had ignored her. He always ignored the butlers. 

_Slap._

Illumi didn't remember much of his flight home. Everything that had happened after his horrible explosion of bloodlust, felt like a blur. He had packed his bags on autopilot, and he'd probably gotten a taxi to the airport. He couldn't recall. He wasn't thinking anything. 

_Slap._

He wasn't feeling anything. 

_Slap._

Illumi knew he had been awake in the aircraft. He hadn't been doing anything to pass the time. It had just gone by on its own. Normally, Illumi could spend hours in his head, just zoning out and daydreaming or thinking about whatever crossed his mind. However, even that wasn't what he had been doing. For the first time in twenty-five years, his head was empty. 

_Slap._

He had expected Hisoka's date to destroy him, rip his heart out and stamp on it, make him cry his eyes out. But it didn't. 

He had been absolutely devastated after encountering him. He had felt betrayed, sick and stupid. He had been oozing bloodlust more than ever, and he'd singlehandedly turned a restaurant in a butchery. 

After his massacre, he had started to feel numb. Everything he had felt before had been drained out of him. 

_Slap._

Illumi wasn't hurt. 

_Slap._

He wasn't feeling anything. 

_Slap._

When he had reached the mansion, Kikyo had been waiting for him. "Illumi, darling," she had whined while kissing his cheek and embracing him. "What happened?" 

"I snapped and created a bloodbath." He had been staring at his mother with big, empty eyes. She had gently grabbed his arm and led him through the long hallway. 

"Don't worry dear," together they had walked down the stone cold stairs. "We will make sure it won't happen again. Together, okay?" His mother had smiled sweetly while stroking hair out of his face. Illumi had nodded as a reply. 

_Slap._

So here they were. Illumi was restrained, wearing nothing but underwear. His entire body was covered in cuts, burns, bruises, fresh blood and sweat. Kikyo was standing in front of him, physically punishing him and verbally scolding him. It had been like this for the last five hours. 

_Slap._

"You must know, we are very disappointed in you. We thought you were the perfect assassin." 

_Slap._

"Father and I assumed we could trust you with important jobs. You made us feel very sad, Illumi dear." 

_Slap._

Disappointing his parents was the last thing he had ever wanted to do. 

_Slap._

Still, Illumi wasn't feeling anything. 

Ever since he came home this morning, Kikyo had been punishing him. Some people would call it torture, but Zoldycks are Zoldycks. For them, sessions like this are part of their training. It's simply a way to learn from mistakes. 

Illumi'd had countless trainings before, but he was relatively unfamiliar with penalties. Usually he completed his jobs without any trouble, except an unnecessary kill every now and then. He never made major mistakes, because he would always do exactly what his parents told him. His entire life had been that way. 

Despite being an extremely skilled manipulator and who was easily able to control whoever he wanted, his parents always had a certain kind of control over him. 

Illumi knew, and he was fine with it. 

His parents loved him, and he loved them. They always wanted the best for him, and there was nothing he wouldn't do for them. Everything they ever did to him was out of protection and love for the family, so Illumi doing whatever they told him to was natural. 

They knew what was good for him better than anyone. 

_Slap._

That was also why Kikyo threatened Hisoka, Illumi thought. She had just shown him why he wouldn't be able to survive in the family and expressed her worries about Hisoka's intentions, because she cared for Illumi. Now he had seen the magician on a date with some stranger, he knew his mother must have been right. 

He should be grateful. 

_Slap._

Hisoka had always hated the way Illumi praised his parents, how he always put them first, and they had argued about it several times. He thought they valued him as a talented assassin rather than loving him as their son. According to him, they just cared about the money and his -usually- flawless kills. 

Whenever he came back to their penthouse after visiting the estate for training or jobs, Hisoka would baby him for the next two days. Run him a bath, clean his wounds, wash his hair and dry him off when they were done. He wouldn't stop kissing him while making him hot chocolate and almost begged him to snuggle up on the couch. Illumi never understood why he did that, but back then he thought Hisoka loved him with all his being. 

Now, after seeing Hisoka on a date, he wasn't sure about anything anymore. 

_Slap._

"I think we're done for now, darling." 

Kikyo glanced at her son's wrecked, wounded body before placing the whip back on the shelf it belonged. She stepped forward to look at Illumi again. A slender, pointy-nailed finger traced the countless burns, cuts and bruises she created, observing her work like an artist. 

She cradled his chin with one hand, the blood flowing from his nose immediately covering her hand. 

"Did you learn from your mistake?" 

Illumi looked over her with endless, glazed eyes. He had been feeling so numb, he barely noticed he was asked a question. He stared at Kikyo and then looked down at his injured torso. 

All of a sudden, the realization hit him. 

He had disappointed his family. Failed them. Ruined their business relationship. The regrets and sadness kicked back in, and he started to feel a pain in the pit of his stomach. 

Kikyo was still looking at him through her visor, cupping his face, blood pooling between her hand and his chin. 

"Yes, mother, thank you." 

"You let us down, Illumi," she said while opening the lock of his handcuffs. "We love you so much. Didn't we give you enough?" 

She freed him from his chains without a warning, causing him to drop face first on the stone floor. "Didn't we show you enough?" Her voice was thick and dramatic. It hurt. 

Illumi pushed himself on his knees and looked up to his mother. Her face was unreadable, he couldn't see her eyes. He didn't want to hurt her. He'd never want to hurt his family. 

"It's my fault, mother. Please-" 

Kikyo bent forward so they were face to face. Her visor glared into his eyes. "Don't you care about your family, Illumi?" 

Illumi gasped. He really fucked up everything, to the point his parents had started to doubt his love for them. He did care about his family, they were his top priority. The Zoldycks had always been the only thing that mattered. 

But now he had let Kalluto down by not visiting him in Yorknew, and failed his parents by messing up his job and ending an alliance. 

All because of a man that had already forgotten about him. 

"Mother, I-," his voice was hoarse and raspy. "I love you more than anything. I would- there is nothing I wouldn't do for the family." 

He couldn’t look at her. He felt too ashamed. His eyes were staring at the ground as blood dripped from his nose onto the cold, black stones. He was feeling numb and overflowing with emotions at the same time. He didn't know what to do or to say. He wanted to reassure his mother, tell her that he would never ever disappoint her again, but he couldn’t. 

He couldn't make this promise because, at this point, he wasn't sure if he would be able to keep it. 

"Then show us." 

Kikyo stood up again and moved toward the heavy door that led to the dungeon hallway. She turned around to look at Illumi once more. Her lips were pinched in an unhappy frown. Illumi still didn't look at her, sitting on his knees on the cold stone floor. 

"Dinner is at nine." She left the chamber, her dress flowing behind her. 

Illumi was left behind in his training room. He was still gazing at the ground, unable to manage himself to get up. During the training session, all of Illumi's thoughts and feelings had been a blur. He hadn’t felt any physical pain, regardless of what Kikyo did to him. 

When she forced him to walk towards his place, barefoot, despite the shards of glass on the ground, he hadn’t felt any pain. 

When she burned him with an iron poker 'so the scars could remind him of his mistakes', he hadn’t felt any pain. 

When she forced him to drink a bottle of salt water on an empty stomach, when she covered his body in leeches 'to suck out the unhealthy energy' and when she broke his collarbone by hitting it too hard, he hadn't felt any pain. 

But the second he realized he had failed his family again, for the second time in just a week, he had finally reached rock bottom. 

_So you made Kalluto sad by not visiting him and now the rest of the family is disappointed because you were too arrogant to keep your disguise during a job._

He looked at his feet, they were wounded from the shattered glass on the floor. 

_Still, mother is trying to help you. You don't deserve her._

Illumi tried to get up, but he was feeling dizzy. His feet were injured and he couldn't keep his balance, forcing him to lean against the wall to support his weight. 

_Because you were too focused on Hisoka who has already forgotten about you._

His body was trembling heavier than ever and he started to notice more of the physical damage. His throat and stomach were sore, and his nose wouldn't stop bleeding. 

_He never loved you, Illumi._

The marks were burning, the cuts were stinging, the leeches' bite marks were pulsing as he walked towards the door on wobbly legs. 

_You're worthless, Illumi._

\-- 

About half an hour later, Illumi entered his bedroom, freshly cleaned and dressed. He had taken a short shower, washed his body and hair and put on some black cargo pants and a matching vest with a dark green v-neck undershirt. 

He walked towards the mirror to look at his wounds. The cut in his eyebrow was big and sharp, he had several bruises on the left side of his neck, jaw and temple, and some sucking marks from the leeches on his sternum. The skin around his broken collarbone was black and blue, and his underarms were covered in scratches and burns. 

Without him noticing, his mind wandered off. Illumi briefly wondered what Hisoka would have done if he would be here and saw him like this. 

Would he get angry at Illumi for failing his jobs? Would he be disappointed too? Or would he get angry at mother for punishing Illumi? 

That would've been very inappropriate, because Kikyo only helped him, but it would still be a possibility because Hisoka never understood. Would he unnecessarily stroke his back like he always did whenever he assumed Illumi got hurt? Would he carry him to bed later tonight and wrap his arms around him as if scared Illumi would leave? Would he nuzzle his neck and whisper affectionate words in his ear, while he just wanted to sleep? 

The thought of it made him feel a lump in his throat. He bit his lip. 

_Let him go, Illumi._

He turned around and walked towards his bed. His stomach was empty, but it felt way too full. Hisoka was still on his mind. 

_It's over._

He could almost hear the magicians voice praising his beauty, his skills and his personality. 

_He doesn't care about you. Focus on your family._

Illumi knew he should get over him, and he kept trying to tell himself this. He had seen Hisoka with someone else, so he was definitely already over him. The assassin tried to convince himself Hisoka never cared, that he didn't truly love him, and occasionally he actually managed to think that. 

But the moments memories came back and he was reminiscing how Hisoka always showered him in affection, love and attention, it was hard to believe everything had really been a lie. 

_It doesn't matter anymore. It's over._

He sat down on his bed and realized he was feeling tired. He hadn't gotten any sleep last night. Getting some rest before dinner would probably be a good idea. He slit underneath the covers and closed his eyes to slowly doze off. 

\-- 

"Master Illumi, dinner is ready." Amane's voice woke him up. He propped himself up and slowly stepped out of the bed. 

"Hm." He went into his bathroom to wash his face with some cold water. His nap had lasted for a small hour, but he didn't feel any more rested. 

After refreshing himself, he changed into his casual clothes again. "Master Illumi?" Amane knocked at his door. 

Illumi found himself agitated by her impatience and felt a sudden urge to open the door, throw one perfectly aimed pin at her and stop her annoying, nosy behavior once and for all, but in his current situation he couldn't cause another unnecessary death. A pity. 

He opened the door, glared at Amane -the look in his eyes being enough to make her freeze- and walked past her in the direction of the main dining hall. 

\-- 

"What happened in Yorknew, Illumi?" 

_Oh._

He had just taken a bite of his salmon when Silva asked him the question. He swallowed and turned his head to look at his father. 

He was looking at him warily with blue, cat-like eyes. Long, white, wavy strands fell gracefully over his shoulders. Silva was seated at the head of the table, across from Zeno. Kikyo was sitting on his side, next to Illumi. Milluki sat on the opposite side of the table, next to their great-grandfather Maha. 

Illumi had secretly hoped his failure wouldn't be discussed in front of everyone during dinner, but frankly, this was what he deserved. He swallowed nervously. 

"I got distracted and angry, so I killed Dimitri in a wave of bloodlust." 

"I see." Silva's face was hard to read, just like Kikyo's. His voice sounded serious and low. "And what distracted you?" 

Illumi's breath hitched. He didn't want his parents to know he saw Hisoka going out with this woman, he couldn't tell them he visited his penthouse and had had sex. 

He had no idea how they would react if he told them that he, despite all of his doubts, still had feelings for Hisoka. How he had been trying to force himsell to forget him, but still thought about him every minute. How he had been feeling empty, hurt and alone each second he spent without him. 

But they were his parents and he couldn't lie to them. 

"I ran into Hisoka." 

In the corner of his eye, he saw Milluki's face twitch in surprise. Kikyo gasped dramatically, but Silva didn't move a muscle. All of a sudden, Illumi was starting to feel way too hot, like he was having a serious fever. 

"I see," Silva said. "That shouldn't be a distraction for a skilled assassin like you, Illumi. Unless..." His eyes darkened. "Do you still have feelings for him?" 

_Fuck._

"I think I do." 

Kikyo started whimpering, Milluki looked at him in incomprehension and Illumi almost thought he heard Zeno chuckle, but he didn't want to take his eyes off of his father. 

Before Silva could say something, Kikyo opened her mouth. "He ruined our son," she wailed, covering her face with her hands. "Do something, Silva." She was almost screaming now. "I want him dead. Can't you just kill him? Or let Illumi do it." 

A wave of nausea ran down Illumi's body. Hisoka had hurt him, very much, but killing him wouldn't make the situation any better. Was he even able to? Could he? Sweatdrops formed on his forehead. 

"No." 

Silva looked stoic. "He is not a target, and he is incredibly strong. It would be highly dangerous, possibly even deadly. It's not work the risk, and sending multiple family members would be a waste of time." 

"But that- that _clown_ brainwashed our son!" Kikyo sounded more hysterical every second. "Because of him Illumi's unable to clear missions now," she glared at her eldest son through her visor. "What do we do with him?" 

His mother's words slices through him like a sword, cutting his wounds open and make them hurt more than ever before. 

_You're unable to finish jobs. Ruined._

"We won't allow him to do any missions for the next month. It will be busier for Zeno and me, but it is the only option." Silva's eyes moved from Kikyo to Illumi to Zeno.

He sighed. "I thought he could clear jobs the same level as the two of us, but apparently he is not capable." Illumi could clearly hear the disappointment in his voice. 

_He said you're not capable, Illumi._

"You can have him, Kikyo. Give him some punishment training everyday, and we'll see after that." They were discussing Illumi as if he wasn't sitting at the same table. He felt very uncomfortable and furious at himself for fucking everything up to this point. 

_You haven't needed punishment training ever since you were seventeen. Good job, Illumi._

"Okay," Kikyo placed her hand on Illumi's. "We'll get this out of you, darling. You won't be disappointing us again." 

_You disappointed everyone._

\-- 

After dinner, Kikyo had told Illumi to go back to his room, because she didn't want to see his face. 

"Please go back to your wing now, dear," she had whined. "Seeing your battered face only reminds me of the pain you brought your father and me." 

Illumi had almost stormed through the halls, ignoring all of the butlers, trying his best not to kill every single one of them. He entered his room and collapsed on the floor, not even trying not to cry. 

Tears kept flowing until his eyes were puffy and his head hurt. He had no idea how long he had been lying there on the ground. 

_You lost everything._

He was frustrated, infuriated at himself, lost. 

His whole life he had been focused on being the perfect assassin. Cold, reserved, precise, intelligent. Ever since the age of six he had been killing people without failure, because his parents told him to, and he just wanted to make them proud. Even after Killua was born and Silva decided Illumi couldn't be the heir, he still wanted to please his parents, simply because the family loved eachother. 

They loved him, and counted on him, but he failed them. 

_You hurt Kalluto and both of your parents._

He was still weeping and his breath felt fast, sharp and heavy. The training injuries on his feet, chest and face were painful. 

_They did everything for you, but you let them down._

He tried to stand up, but his legs were shaking again. 

_Killua hated you already._

He decided to run a bath, clean wounds would heal easier. He moved to the bathroom and turned on the hot water. 

_Killua hates you, Kalluto and your parents are disappointed, all because you were naive and prioritized Hisoka._

He slowly took off his clothes, forcing himself to look at his wounds. His body looked devastated and abused. 

_And Hisoka doesn't give a fuck about you, Illumi._

He stepped into the tub. The water was way too hot, but it didn't matter. 

_He doesn't love you, Illumi._

He felt sick, dizzy and nauseated. His body was trembling and sweating, and everything hurt. He couldn't stop crying like a baby. 

_You broke the hearts of the people who did love you._

Illumi didn't know what to do. He ruined his own live and the lives of his family. He had caused himself to lose everything he ever cared about. Father was disappointed, mother despised him, Kalluto was sad, Hisoka probably never cared about him, and he wasn't allowed to do any jobs anymore. 

His breathing started to get heavier and faster, and his entire body was shaking. His heart was pouncing and every beat cut through him with a painful sting. His stomach felt like a rock and his head hurt. Every breath he took sent a shiver of disgust down his spine. 

He wanted to scream his lungs out. He was panicking, and the hot bath water only made it worse. 

_You're a disgrace._

He wanted to speak to someone. Deep inside, he would like to call Hisoka, let him come over, talk to him, figure things out together. 

But Hisoka didn't care about him anymore. 

His hand reached over to the table next to the luxurious bathtub. He hesitated for a second and almost grabbed his phone, but instead he picked up the pins laying next to it. 

Memories flashed through his mind. 

He briefly thought about his first kiss with Hisoka. Having sex for the very first time, moving to Yorknew, jobs with Kalluto, living with the magician, going on dates, breaking up with him, killing Kazu, having sex with Hisoka, Kalluto's sadness, the disastrous job and Dimitri recognizing him, his mother's punishments. 

_You're worthless, Illumi._

It was too much. 

_Everyone is better off without you, Illumi._

He couldn't take it anymore. 

Illumi cried out in frustration as he pushed the first thick, sharp pin into his wrist. The second pin made him gasp, the third pin was barely noticeable. The pain in his head and stomach finally started to fade. 

He pulled the needles out only to slam them into his underarm again, and again, all at the same time, over and over, until his body started to feel weak. Blood ran down his arms, dripping into the bathtub. 

His vision blurred as the water slowly colored red and the smell of blood filled the bathroom. A few more minutes, and the pain would be gone. 

It would be over. 

His parents wouldn't be disappointed anymore. 

Kalluto wouldn't be sad anymore. 

He wouldn't miss Hisoka anymore. 

A few more minutes, and he would be dead. 

Illumi noticed how his wounded, blood-covered body became limp, rendering him unable to pull out the pins. 

The only thing he hadn't noticed was the tiny piece of confetti hidden under his hair, attached to his scalp. 

The pain of his injuries faded away and he slowly passed out, and for the first time in over a month, he felt peaceful. 

A few more minutes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this was it for now! I think there will be one or two more chapters, I'm not sure. 
> 
> The part with Kikyo cupping his face was based on some really beautiful art I saw on twitter, but sadly the artist deleted it.
> 
> I also hope it wasn't too OOC, but obviously we never saw Illumi in a situation like this in canon so it was kinda hard this time.
> 
> Please let me know what you think! Comments make my day <3


	8. Ace of Hearts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Illumi," Kalluto said, voice just as loud as his brother's. It made Illumi fall silent in astonishment. His younger brothers never used his full name, let alone raise their voices at him. "He saved your life." 
> 
> His youngest sibling was now glaring at him with fiery, piercing eyes. 
> 
> "If it wasn't for Hisoka, you would be dead now."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THE LAST CHAPTER! It took more time than expected, but it's gotten very long too.
> 
> Again, thanks to my friend who beta read all of my chapters!! <3
> 
> ps. happy new year :)

Illumi slowly felt some of his senses coming back as an unknown person carefully grabbed both his arms. The warm stream running down to his hands into the cooled water that filled the bathtub instantly stopped. 

He was anything but conscious, but he could vaguely feel someone touching his carotid. Two voices were talking, but he was too far gone to hear what they were saying, or recognize either of them. 

Hands kept moving from his lower arms to his face, neck and back, with coordinated but fast movements. He could feel something being wrapped neatly around his wrists. 

Two strong, large arms picked him up and lifted him out of the bath water. Probably Silva. He felt himself being covered in a something fluffy and soft, and carried away before everything disappeared. 

\-- 

A few hours later, Illumi felt someone holding his hand. Fingers were loosely entwined with his while a thumb absently stroke the back. 

He had no idea where he was or who was holding him, but he didn't have the energy to think about it. He lightly sensed the sweet smell of cinnamon before dozing off again. 

\-- 

"I just refreshed his bandages for the third time, and his wounds are clean now. It looks like it stopped bleeding." 

"Thank you." 

"It was very close. His body is still very weak, so he needs plenty of rest. The pins he used for his attempt were possibly infused by nen." 

"Probably. I'll take care of him." 

The voices were similar but in his current situation, he couldn't place them. The voices became obscured as his body fell limp. 

\-- 

The next time Illumi woke up, he could actually manage to open his eyes. His vision slowly became less blurry as he tried to observe his location. He noticed he was lying in a bed, facing a high, dark ceiling with a luxurious chandelier. He recognized it as his bedroom in own wing of the Zoldyck mansion. 

"Big brother? Are you awake?" 

When he turned his head to the left, he saw Kalluto's face. He immediately tried to prop himself up on his elbows, but his banded arms felt frail and painful. His brother rushed to his side to help him sit up against the headboard. 

"Kalluto... why are you here? What happened?" His voice was raspy and his throat hurt. He looked into his brother's purple eyes, which were uncharacteristically worried and serious. 

"You do not remember?" 

Illumi swallowed. He just got his consciousness back, and his head was empty. Was he supposed to remember anything? 

"I- I'm thirsty. I'm going to get some water." He tried to move his legs to step outside the bed, but Kalluto stopped him. "Don't. You're hurt. I will fetch it." 

Frankly, Illumi couldn't deny he was hurt. He looked down to his body. He was wearing nothing but an olive colored bathrobe, and for some reason it was stained with some dried liquid. It looked like blood, but the dark green material made it hard to tell. 

The front of the robe was opened a little, exposing his pale chest. His body was covered in scratches, burns, sucking marks and bruises, and all of a sudden he remembered a vague snippet of being in the dungeons with his mother. His thoughts were interrupted by Kalluto bringing him a large glass of water. Illumi blinked gratefully and took a sip. The cold water felt refreshing in his dry, sore mouth. 

"Tell me what happened, Kalluto." 

Kalluto sighed and avoided eye contact. For a moment he was silent. His face looked frustrated, as if he were trying to think of an appropriate reply. After a minute or two, he finally opened his mouth, still not looking at his brother. 

"You tried to kill yourself." 

_Oh._

Illumi scrunched his face. His brother's words triggered something in his mind. Slowly but surely the memories started to come back. Breaking up with Hisoka, going back to Yorknew, everything that happened there, the unbearable feeling of disappointing his parents and Kalluto. The punishment, the dinner, the regrets, the guilt, the bath, the pins, the blood. 

_So it didn't work after all._

Again, the room was silent. 

"Kallu, you... I let you down. Why are you here?" 

Kalluto tilted his head in confusion. "What do you mean?" 

This time, Illumi was the one trying not to make eye contact. He looked to the right, opting to gaze through the window to his balcony. He cleared his throat. 

"I obviously failed you by not coming to visit you in Yorknew," he bit his lip. "I mean after I moved back to the estate." 

Kalluto opened his mouth to say something, but Illumi didn't let him. "I wasn't there when you missed me, so why are you here?" 

Now Kalluto was looking out of the window too. His eyebrows were pinched and his nose was wrinkled. The uncomfortable look on his face made Illumi realized his youngest brother, again, didn't know what to say. That didn't happen so often. 

"Kalluto?" Illumi looked at him. "I understand if you don't trust me anymore, but-" 

"That's not it," Kalluto interrupted him. "I..  
need to show you something." His hand reached towards the long sleeve of his black kimono. "Please don't get mad at me. I know I wasn't allowed to do this..." 

He didn't finish his sentence. Kalluto never disobeyed. Illumi eyed him warily and surprised while he reached into his sleeve and carefully took out a paper doll. It looked exactly like him. 

Illumi tilted his head, not understanding the hint. After being unconscious for a very long time, he couldn't piece the puzzle together. His brain felt scrambled. 

Kalluto seemed to notice, because he started speaking. Smart boy. "You know about my paper doll ability, right?" When Illumi nodded, he continued. "When we were together in Yorknew for the job with the mafia, you behaved... differently. You weren't yourself. It was terrifying, I was worried. It was a gut feeling." 

For the first time since the conversation started, they intensely looked eachother in the eyes. 

"When I spread my confetti through the room to activate Snake Dance, I manipulated one small piece to attach to your head. I made sure it would be hidden underneath your hair. When I was in the bathroom of your hotel later on, I created a doll of you." 

Illumi looked at him, fascinated, not knowing what to say. 

Kalluto's ability allowed him to spy on people using his paper dolls. He could monitor everything that's said nearby his target, despite the distance. 

In other words, Kalluto had been overhearing him after their mission together because he noticed Illumi was hurt. His brother hadn't been mad at him, after he let him down, he was concerned. He was _worried_ about him. 

"After your job I heard your training with mother, and-" He stopped. Illumi placed a hand on his shoulder, encouraging him to go on. 

"I panicked. You never get punishment training, I knew something was wrong. I wanted to get help, but I know you don't like the Troupe members." He pulled his feet up on his chair and wrapped his arms around his knees. He swallowed, and looked at the window again. 

"I didn't know what to do, but I had to do something." He was hiding his down-hearted face behind his knees and his hair. 

Why was he acting like this? Kalluto was always calm and determined, this nervous behavior was very uncharacteristic for him. "Go on, please." 

"I'm sorry. I know it's not what you want-" 

"Kalluto, tell me what you've done." Illumi's voice sounded stern but friendly. 

"I called Hisoka for help." 

Illumi's eyes widened as he gasped out loud. Until now, he had felt weak and drained, but surprisingly relaxed. His mind had been relatively calm, but the second he heard his ex-boyfriend's name he felt his heart starting to pounce and once again, his hands began to tremble. Within a moment, he felt like he was bathing in sweat. He had called Hisoka. 

"You did what? Kalluto, he doesn't-" Illumi started, trying to explain Hisoka wouldn't bother to help him when it wasn't in his benefit. 

"He came." 

"What do you mean?" Without meaning to, he raised his voice. "Hisoka does not care about me, Kallu." 

"He does. He-" 

"I do not want you to talk to him," big, ink black eyes pinned the boy. "He's a highly dangerous man. You heard father, right? Even he says so." 

"I know, but-" 

"Do not contradict me, Kallu. You put yourself in danger. I do not want you to take risks for me. He could easily hurt you. He could have _killed_ you." The assassin kept rattling on with a voice that was authoritative but way too quiet for his current state. 

"Illumi," Kalluto said, voice just as loud as his brother's. It made Illumi fall silent in astonishment. His younger brothers never used his full name, let alone raise their voices at him. "He saved your life." 

His youngest sibling was now glaring at him with fiery, piercing eyes. 

"If it wasn't for Hisoka, you would be dead now." 

Illumi's breath hitched. "What do you mean?" This couldn't be. Was Kalluto mistaken? 

"I called him, and told him I had the feeling you were in danger. He picked me up with a taxi and brought us to the airport. He threatened to kill one of the pilots if he wouldn't bring us here as fast as possible, so we got here very fast." He was still looking at Illumi, who still had a hand resting on his shoulder. 

"We were already in the aircraft when I heard your conversation with the rest of the family. I made sure Hisoka couldn't hear it, though." 

Good. Illumi smiled slightly. 

\-- 

Kalluto told him everything. How his ability -to Illumi's embarrassment- had allowed him to hear him lose his mind in the bathroom, how Hisoka had effordlessly opened six of the doors of their Testing Gate, how they had stormed to the mansion side by side. They had entered Illumi's room from his balcony and ran towards his bathroom. Together they had found him, unconscious, pins pushed into his arm, lying in a bathtub filled with hot, red water. 

Kalluto had stated that he had never been more scared, and his entire body was shaking. At that point he'd been sure he would lose his brother, but Hisoka managed to get him through it. 

The magician had immediately felt Illumi's throat to check his pulsation, to realize his heart was still beating. Without hesitating a second, he had covered Illumi's arms with nen, his bungee gum, using it as a tourniquet to stop the bleeding of his wrists. 

It had worked. He had asked Kalluto to get him a bathrobe, and picked him up to get him out of the scarlet water. They had carefully dressed him before placing him into bed. 

While Hisoka had stayed by Illumi's side to maintain the aura wrapped around his arms, Kalluto had used his Zoldyck transmitter to ask Milluki for a first aid kit. He had sent one right away they had cleaned his wounds together and kept watching over him. 

Kalluto also told him how their father and grandfather had left for a last minute job right before they arrived at the estate, but after they had taken care of Illumi, Milluki had told their mother what happened. 

Kikyo had replied with a hysterical whining, screeching how much she loved him, stating it was her fault and how bad she wanted to save him. Her second child told her he was probably going to be fine, and after a lot of arguing she agreed to stay in her room, where she had been screaming and sobbing for the rest of the night. It had been hearable throughout the entire castle. 

"We have been watching over you for about twenty-four hours now. You were asleep for a long time.' Kalluto finished. 

Illumi saw wetness sparkling in his eyes. He awkwardly threw an arm around his shoulder and pulled him closer. The feeling of Kalluto relaxing in his touch made a warm wave of happiness run through his body. 

They sat together in silence for a while, both gazing at the night sky through the window. For a moment, everything was fine. 

_Kalluto saved you, even after you let him down._

Illumi's head was still full of questions, but at the same time, he was too fragile to think about it. Recently he had spent a lot of time talking to himself in his head, but tonight his thoughts were actually a bit more silent. Still, he wanted to know one answer. 

_Why did Hisoka come to help? He doesn't care._

Before Illumi could ask anything, Kalluto cleared his throat. 

"Hisoka wants to speak to you later." Illumi felt his knees go weak. Suddenly the room started to get way too hot. Why would Hisoka want to talk to him? 

_He probably helped just because he likes Kalluto._

"He's still here?" 

Kalluto nodded. "He's having dinner with Milluki now." Illumi glanced at the alarm clock on the nightstand to see it was no earlier than 12AM. "He hasn't eaten or rested ever since we got here." Illumi raised an eyebrow. Skipping meals wasn't something Hisoka liked to do. 

"We made the butlers cook him a meal, but he refused to leave your side." 

This remark made Illumi feel like he was going to choke. He felt piping hot, but at the same time a cold shiver ran through his entire body. It was almost like a fever. Kalluto seemed to notice his discomfort, because he changed subjects. 

"Go to sleep. You need a lot of rest." 

Illumi reluctantly laid down, doing his best not to hurt his wounds. He closed his eyes and shifted until he was comfortable. 

"Kallu?" He opened his mouth after several minutes. "I still want to know why you helped me after what I did to you." 

Kalluto tilted his head. "You did nothing wrong, big brother," he looked down to his feet. "I just miss seeing you more frequently." 

Illumi bit his lip. "It won't happen again." 

"I know. You promised me." 

_He still trusts you._

Illumi looked at his brothers face. He looked sweet and innocent. Despite being a talented, cunning killer, he was still a child. Just an eleven year-old boy that wanted to be loved by his family. 

_Never let him down again, Illumi._

He smiled at his brother one more time before slowly falling asleep. 

\-- 

Later that night, Illumi felt a warm hand on his forehead gently stroke away some strands of hair. He opened one eye, and the room was pitch black. It was too dark to see anything, but still, he knew who had been touching his face. 

This sweet, cinnamon-like smell he would always recognize without any doubts. The realization made him freeze in his bed. He closed his eyes again. 

"Illu?" Hisoka asked gingerly. "Are you awake?" 

_If you stay still, he might think you are asleep._

But Illumi knew he couldn't run away this time. He couldn't sneak out without him noticing like he had done earlier. Hisoka was sitting next to him, and he was injured. There was no way out, sooner or later he would have to face him. 

"Yes." 

"Okay," Hisoka said softly. "How are you feeling?" He placed his hand on Illumi's. 

The sudden touch startled the assassin, but he didn't move away his hand. He didn't know how to answer the question. How _was_ he feeling? 

He was exhausted, his wrist were wrapped in bandages, his entire body was severely damaged from the training and he was feeling weaker than ever before. Still, he felt better than he had for at least the last month. In a way, he was feeling peaceful. 

Why was that? Was it a result of Hisoka staying by his side? Or because he knew Kalluto wasn't mad at him? His mother? Illumi wasn't sure. 

"I do not know." 

"Mmm, go back to sleep then." Hisoka's voice sounded sweet and considerate, completely free of his usual smugness. His hand was still cupping Illumi's. 

In the back of his mind Illumi knew he should pull away his hand, trying not to fall for his gestures, keep some distance, but he was too infatuated to worry about it. 

"Okay." Illumi rolled to his side automatically, now facing Hisoka. 

"Goodnight, Lumi." 

Before he had the chance to nod off, he felt Hisoka's soft, full lips press a kiss on his forehead. The gentle touch made Illumi shiver. Why on earth was Hisoka kissing him? He knew he shouldn't accept this, but he didn't stop him. He instinctively leaned in to his mouth. 

He felt both of Hisoka's hands carefully cup his face. The magician placed another kiss on the tip of his nose, and as a result, his whole body started to tremble. Still, Illumi didn't want to push him away. 

Hisoka probably got the hint, because a moment later they were kissing. 

His lips brushed against Illumi's. He could feel his hot breath against his mouth. Hisoka tilted his head -Illumi was still lying on his side- and he automatically gave in. Their lips collided and a few moments later he felt Hisoka's tongue lick the seam of his parted lips, asking for permission. Illumi complied and their tongues pressed together. 

The intimate contact instantly made Illumi feel warm and safe. He knew he shouldn't be doing this, but he couldn't resist Hisoka's mouth. 

_Don't, Illumi._

Hisoka slid a hand in his hair and started stroking it. 

_Illumi, don't._

His other hand grabbed Illumi's and held it tight. 

_Illumi, what are you doing?_

He realized more and more he wasn't supposed to be doing this, but Hisoka's kisses felt intoxicating. His knees were weak and he felt butterflies in his stomach. Disgusting. He wanted to stop him, but he couldn't. 

For a moment it felt like before, like the times he missed so much. When he still lived in Yorknew, they were in a relationship, and he had felt loved and happier than ever. At the same time, Illumi knew it could never be like that again. They shouldn't be together, it would be too dangerous for both Hisoka and the family. 

Still, Illumi didn't break the kiss. 

_Did you forget about his date?_

That's when the realization hit him. The memory of his encounters with Hisoka last week flashed through his brain. He thought about the two of them having rough, emotionally loaded sex, the magician peacefully sleeping next to him while hugging his torso, his date at the restaurant and all of a sudden all he could picture was him dragging that woman away from their table. 

At the same time, their tongues were still touching and they were panting against eachothers mouth. It made Illumi's head spin. 

_Don't let him fool you, Illumi._

He pushed Hisoka away and feverishly reached out to grab some pins hidden under his pillow. In a split second, he was holding one against Hisoka's throat. 

"Touch me again and I will kill you." 

His eyes were adjusted to the darkness at this point, and he could see his bright, golden eyes gleaming in surprise. 

"Illu, I-" Hisoka swallowed. 

"Leave." 

"I'm sorry, Illumi," he carefully grabbed his wrist and led it away from his neck. "I didn't want to-" 

"I said leave." Furious black eyes pinned Hisoka, and despite the surprised look on his face, he didn't look like he was planning to move. 

"I'm not leaving," he said after a few seconds of silence. "I thought Kalluto told you I wanted to talk. I'm sure he wouldn't forget. He's such an intelligent young boy, his potential is huge." Illumi pushed the pin back so it was close to the vein in his neck. 

"I do not care. I will kill you." He didn't want to talk. Seeing Hisoka's face was too painful after everything that had happened. 

_Why did you let him kiss you, Illumi?_

He had savored the contact a few seconds ago, but now, he deeply regretted it. He had only talked to him for a minute and they had kissed already. How was he supposed to get over him like this? Why did Hisoka do this? And why did he let him? 

_He just wants to use you._

Instead of listening to the threat, Hisoka produced a card between his thumb and index finger, and swiftly shifted it against Illumi's throat. 

Unimpressed by the counterattack, the assassin pushed the pin into his soft skin, until a droplet of blood ran down his neck, leaving a red trail. Now, they were facing eachother, both ready to kill in a second. It made Illumi's heart speed up. His orbs were glaring at the magicians, when he slowly opened his mouth. 

"I'd love to see you try, dear Illumi." 

Illumi had always thought one of them were to kill the other, and a part of him actually grew attached to the idea. However, this was not the right time nor the situation. He had wanted nothing more than to die by Hisoka's hands, or to have him bleed out in his arms, but not like this. Not for at least the next fifty years. Not now. 

Only twenty-four hours ago, all he wanted was to die, but he changed his mind. He planned on surviving this night. 

Hisoka was staring at him with half-lidded, golden eyes. He was grinning, but it was different than usual. Despite his signature smirk, he didn't look excited or sinister at all. Blood was running down his throat and he was still holding an ace of hearts card to Illumi's. 

For a second, Illumi did consider killing him. One hard push with the pin and it could be over forever. It could be easy. 

But in his current state Illumi was weak, and Hisoka knew that. If they were to fight now, the magician would most certainly win. Besides, he didn't want to. Instead of attacking he put the needle down and sighed. 

"What is it that you want?" 

"I'm not here to fight you, Illu," he retreated the card and put it back in his deck. "I love the little fights we always did, but there's no fun in it when you're injured, and you know that." 

He was right. Illumi did know that. 

Hisoka only cared about fighting when his opponent was strong, very strong. He loved to challenge Illumi in the playful way they used to do, because they were around the same strength - and because it usually led to sex, or to the loser sucking off the winner. He had never even considered to attack when the assassin was ruffled, let alone wounded. For him, taking hits was part of the fun. 

Hisoka was telling the truth. 

Why _was_ he here then? Did he want to kill Illumi? Saving his life only to kill him in his own parental house would've been dumb and reckless. Hisoka only was one of those two things. 

"I am hungry." Illumi dumbfoundedly changed the subject. Without saying anything, Hisoka stood up to leave the room, only to come back a minute later. He was holding a bowl of steaming rice with several vegetables and chicken, and placed it on the nightstand. 

"Eat. You do need it." 

Illumi took the bowl without saying anything, sat up and started eating. Only now he realized how empty his stomach felt. 

"What do you want from me, Hisoka?" He eventually asked, eyes focused at his meal. The bowl was almost empty. 

"An explanation." 

"For what?" Goosebumps started forming at his skin. He pulled the duvet higher up to his face. They hadn't picked the most convenient setting to talk. Illumi was in his bed, wearing nothing else but his dark green bloodstained bathrobe. Obviously Hisoka had seen him in more embarrassing circumstances, but this time was different. He was still hurting and recovering, and it made him feel vulnerable and exposed. 

Hisoka's smirk faded and he looked disturbingly serious. His fox-like eyes were bigger and there wasn't a trace of betrayal in his words. "Come on, Illu." He almost sounded sad. When Illumi didn't react, he continued. 

"We've been together for over a year, you moved in with me, I was happy," he looked away, grabbed his deck of cards again and absently started to shuffle them. "I thought you were too, but then all of a sudden you leave me, refusing to give me any reason." 

_He doesn't care._

That's what he wanted to talk about? "Stop acting like you care." Illumi snapped. 

Now, Hisoka was getting fed up too. He was tapping his feet nervously. "Why wouldn't I care?" 

_He doesn't._

"You never cared about anyone, Hisoka," Illumi said, more quiet now. "You always brag about being your own man. Did you forget? For you, I am not different from everyone else." 

Hisoka stopped shuffling his cards to look him in the eyes. "Where does this come from, all of a sudden? I love you, Illu. I never stopped." 

Illumi tried to stay cool, but his face twitched. "I did my best to show you, I'd do anything for you. I still would. Just tell me why you don't want to be with me all of a sudden. Please." 

_He's lying, Illumi._

"No. You do not care." Illumi mercilessly glared back at him. "Don't try to lie to me." 

"For fuck's sake, stop playing the victim, Illumi." His voice was loud like never before. He never yelled at Illumi. 

"Stop playing with me." 

"If I were just playing with you, I wouldn't have come all the way here to save your life." 

That hit. 

He did have a point, Illumi couldn't deny that. Instead of countering, he broke eye contact and scuffed. He sat up further against his headboard, a little too rough for his current situation. He grabbed the pin he had threatened Hisoka with and nervously started to play with it. 

Another long moment of uncomfortable, painful silence followed. Illumi felt defeated. 

"I saw you in that restaurant two days ago." 

Hisoka's eyes widened. "What?" According to his expression, he knew exactly what. 

"I was there for a job. I was disguised when I sensed you, and then I-" he didn't finish his sentence. 

"And then?" Hisoka prompted softly. 

Illumi could feel his frustration building up. He didn't want to tell him everything that had happened. His emotions were mixed; he wanted to believe Hisoka still loved him, but the second he thought about his restaurant encounter he just couldn't. 

_Don't show him your feelings, Illumi._

"That's irrelevant for you. The only point is, you have moved on. You do not require my explanation." 

"I do. It's all I ask from you. You owe me one." 

_You don't._

Illumi's mouth curled into a snarl. "Why do I?" 

The magician swallowed. "Well, Illumi, let's see," he raised his eyebrows. 

"We live together, everything is going well. You go home to your beloved family for a few days, and when you come back you have decided to leave me and do so without any explanation. Mind you, I never thought I'd ever say it but you broke my heart." His mouth twitched at the words. 

"I don't hear from you for over a month, but then all of a sudden, you're in front of my door. I thought, no, hoped you changed your mind, but after we fucked you just left me when I was asleep like I'm some mindless one night stand." He tapped the nightstand with his nails. 

"I just took her there because I wanted to forget you. It was a mere rebound. I thought you'd stay, but I woke up alone with your dried cum still sticking to my chest." Illumi flinched. 

"Yes, I tried to move on, but only because I believed you were already over us." He had never seen him like this before. He looked genuine, downcast. Hurt. 

"I know I play games all the time, Illu, but it was different with you." 

His explanation made Illumi feel like he was being ripped in two. Like the half of his body would be with his family, and the other part belonged to Hisoka. "I," he hesitated, but eventually gave in. "I want to believe you." 

This confession seemed to reassure him a little. He looked at him, eyes sparkling, face earnest. "Tell me why you're being so contradictive. Please be honest with me, we can work it out together." 

When Illumi tilted his head, he added: "You let me hold your hand, you let me kiss you, you visited me when you were sad for some reason, and seeing me with others bothered you..." his gaze wavered, looking for the right words. 

"But the second I try to come closer, you push me away. It's like you don't allow yourself to feel." 

Illumi felt a wave of nausea running up his stomach. His breath felt heavy. Hisoka knew exactly where to hit him. He tucked a strand of hair away from his forehead, only to realize he was drenched in cold sweat. 

"So tell me, Illumi, what made you decide to break up with me?" Hisoka pried. 

He felt like he had been punched in the guts, like he had to throw up. After getting up too fast his view faded. He sat at the edge of the bed, staring at his feet in an attempt to focus. The bathrobe had fallen open and his bare, tortured, ravished chest was visible. 

Perhaps Hisoka saw it, perhaps he didn't, but he opened his mouth again. "Does your family have something to do with it?" 

For Illumi, this was the final straw. "I'm- I'll-" he stood up on sore, injured feet and tried to make his way to the bathroom. His body was recovering from the training and his desperate attempt to kill himself. He was trembling from head to toe. He felt miserable. 

How it happened was a mystery to him, but out of nowhere his legs fell limp, causing him to fall down, hit his arm, and as a result it immediately started bleeding again. 

After hearing him collapse, Hisoka rushed to his side only to find him bleeding out a second time. Deep red drops ran down his arm again and his bandages were already drenched. Before Illumi could think, his arms were wrapped in bungee gum to stop the bleeding, the same way as last night. 

_So he really did save you._

Overwhelmed by everything that happened, Hisoka's confessions and his fall, Illumi was still breathing heavily, unable to control the pace. His nausea was gone, but his stomach ached, his body felt like a rag doll and his head hurt like it was going to explode. He barely noticed how the magician propped him up with his back against the bathtub. 

Hisoka reached to the washing stand to get a glass, filled it with tap water and kneeled so he was face to face with Illumi. The latter tried to take the glass from him, but his hands were shaking uncontrollably. Attempting to help him, Hisoka warily brought the glass to his mouth and tilted it, slowly, until the water started flowing from the glass to his parted lips. Drinking water felt good, so he kept sipping until he had enough. 

They sat like that for a while, silent, together on the cold bathroom floor, occasionally sharing an awkward glance of eye contact. Eventually, Hisoka started to talk. 

"I'm sorry for upsetting you. I shouldn't have been pushy when your condition was like this." He was still sitting on the tiles, looking at Illumi with honest eyes. 

"And I shouldn't have touched you. It's partially your own fault though. You just tried to kill yourself and you still look breathtaking." 

"It's okay." Illumi muttered. The two men shared a modest smile for a second, before Hisoka continued. "But you know I'm a selfish man, Illu. I just wanted some clarity." 

Illumi now looked at him with dark, focused eyes. 

"It's just, I miss you." his voice cracked as he looked away and Illumi could swear he saw a flicker of pain in his eyes. "The apartment is too silent and empty without you, it's very boring." 

The sound of Hisoka's words in his ears made him feel like someone was sawing his heart in two. A chill ran down his entire body. He didn't reply right away, but Hisoka was aware of his discomfort when it came to expressing his feelings. 

Silence took over the bathroom as they still sat on the floor. Hisoka was playing with a card while Illumi sat still with his eyes closed, trying to relax his muscles. He couldn't focus on his thoughts. Maybe he should tell Hisoka the truth. It would make the situation easier. 

A lot easier. 

"Mother poisoned me." 

Hisoka looked up to him, surprised, waiting for him to continue. 

Illumi bit his lip. "She secured me you couldn't survive in the family, and she accused you of wanting to get me away from them." 

As the magician moved a little closer to him, he pursued. "So I left because I was convinced it would be the best for everyone. Us, but more importantly, my family." 

For some reason, owning up felt good. He had been doubting Hisoka's feelings, and he shouldn't be so pliable around him, but still he was feeling relieved. "But then, everything went downhill. I had started to feel suspicious about your intentions, but-" he swallowed. 

Hisoka sweetly moved his hand to Illumi's back, and when he leaned in to the touch, he started stroking it, slowly, mindfully rubbing up and down. It felt warm and familiar, but still, Illumi didn't continue. 

"But?" Hisoka tried. 

He took a deep breath. "But I miss you too." He was pretty much whispering now. Again, tears welled up in his eyes. In the last week he had cried more than in the ten years before, he realized. He let out a soft sob when teardrops ran down his face. Hisoka was still caressing his back, every stroke making Illumi shudder. 

Instinctively, he rested his face in then magicians neck as he weeped, wrapping his arms around him, not even trying to stop himself anymore. At this point, Hisoka seemed to be sobbing too, but he wasn't sure and it didn't matter. It didn't matter that Illumi was covered in blood and it didn't matter that they had been fighting a moment ago. All that mattered now were the two of them, broken, trying to heal themselves in a desperate embrace, faces tucked in necks, tears trailing down cheeks and hands stroking bodies. 

The last couple of weeks, Illumi had spent hours thinking about this, reminiscing memories, remembering how comfortable, soft and welcoming Hisoka's skin felt to his. All this time he had been trying to tell himself he never loved him, that he didn't care about him anymore, and eventually he had actually started to believe it. 

But now, sitting on the bathroom floor, with his torso surrounded by Hisoka's strong, safe arms, inhaling his hypnotizing scent, with their sobs being the only sound breaking the peaceful stillness, everything was obvious. 

"You knew I wasn't going to kill you," Illumi mumbled in his ear after a long time of quiet hugging, still not letting go. 

"Wrong," Hisoka replied. "I just didn't care." He pulled away to look at him, holding both of Illumi's shoulders with his hands. Gleaming pools of gold met ink black orbs, and the look they shared said more than a thousand words ever could. The meaningful eye contact sent a warm wave over Illumi's body. 

At the same time, they both leaned in close, until their noses were touching, and even closer. 

Hisoka tilted his head and whispered "May I?" The sound of his voice felt like a sweet breath against Illumi's mouth. After he had nodded he could feel Hisoka chuckle as their lips touched, pressing together in a deep, passionate kiss. 

Then, with a lot of noise, the door opened. 

The complicated couple quickly broke the enchanting kiss to look in the direction of the door. Zeno, Kikyo and Silva were standing in the doorway, the latter being almost as large as the door. Kikyo was the first to open her mouth. 

"Oh, Illumi!" She bolted towards him and got on her knees next to him, not acknowledging the magician at all. 

"You're alright," her hands were cupping his face and stroking his hair. She started kissing his face repeatedly, leaving red lipstick marks on his ivory complexion, and her voice sounded even more hysterical than usual. She still ignored Hisoka's furious glare. "I'm so sorry, Lumi, my sweet beautiful darling. I thought I was going to lose you." She whined inbetween kisses, still touching his face. 

While Kikyo was occupied babying her eldest, Silva turned to Hisoka, who instantly got up his feet and grinned. "Kalluto told me you saved my son." His voice was low and his face looked stern. Purple cat eyes behind snow white bangs met gleaming fox-like orbs. "Is that correct?" 

"I saved your son from the damage your dearest wife did to him, to be more specific." His eyes narrowed and he bared his sharp teeth. Kikyo was still screeching, so she didn't even hear it. For a moment, Illumi thought Silva was going to hurt Hisoka for this, and his breath hitched. His mother was now raking long nails over his cheek, still dreadfully blurring out empty apologies and meaningless praises. 

"I see." 

The powerful, unpredictable head of the Zoldycks glanced at his wife before looking at Hisoka again. "Thank you, Hisoka. The family and I are grateful." 

His grin widened even further as he ignored the way Illumi's eyes were pinned on his face. "I got you, daddy." 

Silva's expression darkened, but he didn't protest. Zeno unexpectedly snickered. 

"Now that this is settled," his grandfather interrupted Kikyo's frightening screams. He stepped forward, hands folded on his back, lips turned up in the tiniest smile. "Illumi, I need you to move to Yorknew again. It was much more convenient to have a family member located there. Traveling there is a waste of time with the high amount of jobs we have there." He watched his grandson's eyes widen. 

"You were thriving there, child. Something in that city made you work better than ever before." He was still smiling, almost looking fond. "And you promised Kalluto to stay close to him, didn't you? Go pack your bags, the airship is getting ready. We'll continue your training there and you'll get the leading of our Yorknew missions." 

Illumi felt a strong disbelief in everything that just happened, but when he saw Hisoka and Zeno share a small but cunning grin, he knew it was alright. Grandfather had always liked his boyfriend. 

For the first time in over a month, Illumi felt satisfied. His parents weren't angry at him anymore, Kalluto wasn't sad, Hisoka was next to him, grabbing his hand at that very moment and the family was at peace, in their own, terrifying way. 

\-- 

The next evening, Illumi entered their penthouse in Yorknew like he had a small week ago. However, in contrast to the last time he came here, he wasn't alone, sad or soaked from blood and rain. 

This time he was together with Hisoka, who insisted on dramatically carrying him into their house in bridal style. Illumi had played coy, but deep inside, Hisoka’s enthusiasm to have him back home lit a fire in his chest. 

The magician closed the door and carefully put Illumi down; his body was still damaged. The apartment smelled like Hisoka, and he was overwhelmed by a wave of relief. He looked down the hallway, the pile of heels next to the front door, the coat rack, everything still looked the same, like he never left. 

Never in his life had he felt happier to come home, not after the hunter exam, not after the worst, longest missions and not even after outdoor trainings. He had only lived here for a year, but this apartment already felt more like home than Kukuroo mountain ever had, all because of the man holding him. 

The second he landed on his feet he felt himself being pushed back gently against the wall. Hisoka came closer and within a second they were kissing again. They started soft and modest, touches of adoration sending goosebumps to his skin. After minutes of exchanging sweet, close mouthed pecks Illumi parted his lips to feel more of the magician. 

"Welcome home, baby." Hisoka said into his mouth while sliding his hands down his back. The pet name made Illumi melt like a pad of butter. He threw his arms around his neck and pushed their bodies together as Hisoka’s tongue met his. He had missed this so much. The welcoming feeling of intimacy made his body shiver again. 

Hisoka broke the kiss and looked him in the eyes as a string of saliva still connected their wet lips. "Never leave me again, Lumi." 

He definitely wouldn't. 

Illumi shook his head twice, closed his eyes and felt Hisoka's lips pepper his neck in longing, affectionate kisses. Their fronts were still pressed together and he could feel the other was sporting an erection already, himself not being far behind. He tilted his head to expose more skin. "I want you so bad", the magician grunted in his neck while nibbling at his soft flesh. 

"I am right here." Illumi whispered in his ear, unable to hold himself. That seemed to be the answer Hisoka was hoping for, because a moment later he got lifted and carried again only to be laid down on their kingsize bed, all while Hisoka was kissing and licking the corner of his mouth. 

Illumi was lying on his back with his silky hair fanned out on the pillow and Hisoka looked over him, not saying anything, just looking. 

"What is it?" He asked, confused because Hisoka stopped moving. 

"Nothing," he immediately got as a reply. "I just missed looking at you." He put up his index finger and released a leash of pink aura. Illumi eyed it curiously to realize this was just Hisoka's lazy way of fetching the bottle of lube on the nightstand. When he got it, he kissed Illumi's forehead. 

The assassin reached towards Hisoka to tug the front of his pants, but he felt his hand being grabbed instead. "Let me," Hisoka said, and Illumi complied. "Your arms are wounded." 

In only a few seconds, Hisoka got them both completely naked, and to no one's surprise, fully hard. Illumi looked up to him with doe-eyes as he dripped some of the lubricant on his fingers. "You don't have to waste any energy tonight, love," he glanced at Illumi's injured torso. "Just relax and leave it all to me." He pushed him back down on the mattress and placed a trail of wet kisses down his body, from his mouth to his neck, from his chest to his belly and down to the sensitive skin above his groin. 

Hisoka's lips moved to his erection and he kissed the head once, twice, before he started to place small licks. Illumi shuddered. For a second he thought about Kazu, about how he was glad they didn't get this far. He wanted to share himself with no one other than Hisoka. Before he knew, he was being swallowed down all to the base. 

He gasped, gripped the sheets in a shock of stimulation and felt Hisoka pull off almost entirely, before shoving Illumi down his throat again. A slippery hand was dragged to his entrance, and suddenly he felt Hisoka's fingers circling around him. It was way too gentle, too slow. Illumi wanted Hisoka inside him. 

"Hi- Hisoka, stop... teasing." Illumi breathed. He was already far gone, even though he had barely been touched. The time of separation made him crave Hisoka's love, his touching and his body, and having sex with him last week only made him realize what he missed even more. 

"Mmm, should I?" Hisoka said, letting go of Illumi's cock for a second. 

"Please," eyes as warming as the sunrise looked up to him, radiating with lust. "I want you-" he couldn’t even finish his sentence because all of a sudden, he felt a finger inside him. The unexpected sense of pleasure made him moan involuntarily. 

Hisoka continued sucking Illumi off while fingering him open with the same continuous pace, and by the time three fingers were inside the assassin was barely able to speak anymore. The feeling of Hisoka’s warm mouth around him, and his experienced fingers brushing his prostate made him feel like his mind was leaving his body. "Hisoka-" he prompted. "Hisoka, I'm- ah, I'll come if you don't- ah," 

Of course Hisoka knew exactly what Illumi was trying to say, but he didn't plan on listening. "Coming twice then," his eyes were sparkling with joy. "Lucky you, Mimi." 

At the same moment, one hand grabbed his wavy, cherry red hair and Illumi threw his head back on the soft pillow as he came in long spurts, panting and moaning sweetly. Hisoka swallowed everything to the last drop before letting go, moving to his face to kiss the tip of his nose. Lucky him indeed. 

Despite his lingering orgasm, Illumi was still very hard and he only wanted Hisoka to rearrange his guts even more. 

After slathering himself with more lube, Hisoka kissed his nose again. "I've missed you so much," and he moved to his cheek. Inbetween kisses he stopped to look at him. It took Illumi way too long, so he wrapped his legs around his waist in an attempt to pull him closer. 

"I missed you too," he felt himself go red in the face. "But can you please go on?" 

Hisoka chuckled. "I'm sorry, Illu." He stroke away some long, midnight hair and a second later the head of his dick was touching the cleft of Illumi's ass. "Ready?" 

"Yes, please, Hisoka-" he impatiently rolled his hips, and finally Hisoka entered him in one swift movement. He choked as Hisoka pushed all the way into him and started moving. 

Illumi immediately fell silent, instantly overwhelmed by the feeling of having Hisoka inside him. He closed his eyes and felt Hisoka's lips on his, determined to kiss him. Illumi gave in and it felt so good his mind went blurry. He threw his arm over his eyes and started moaning uncontrollably, unable to think clearly, and they had just started. 

As always, Hisoka noticed, so he broke the kiss. "How do you feel?" "God, I feel.. I-" Illumi stumbled, lips still touching. He gave up on talking and instead tried to fuck down to make Hisoka go deeper. He did go deeper, but not faster. 

He was thrusting all the way into him slowly, quietly, gingerly, kissing him, biting his bottom lip, sucking his neck, hands caressing wherever he could reach, careful not to hurt any of his wounds. 

Every touch, every kiss and every movement brought Illumi further into a state of endless bliss and Hisoka's smell alone was enough to make his thighs shake. Dark orbs cracked open as he felt a hand wrapping around his length, and started stroking him at the same pace. The double stimulation made him feel so good, _Hisoka_ made him feel so good. 

Their sex had always been great, and Hisoka had always been devoted to making Illumi feel as good as possible. Still, this time was different. The distance, the gut-wrenching pain and the despair to be with eachother had only made them stronger now they were back together. Instead of folding him in half and railing him like he often did, Hisoka was fucking him carefully, softly and passionately. 

This was more than just sex. They were making love. 

Illumi's face flushed as Hisoka kissed his neck. "So perfect," he heard him mumble. "I missed your beautiful face and body," he moved to peck his earlobe. "No one could ever make me feel the way you do." 

The remark reminded him of the magician's date, but at this moment he was on cloud nine, too far gone for his usual possessive jealousy. "Didn't she?" He asked without a trace of wrath. Hisoka planted a kiss on his lips. "No... not even close," he moved back to his ear, voice a whisper. "We fucked on the couch because the bed still smelled like you- ah- I wanted to keep it that way." 

Illumi's face turned even a deeper shade of red as he felt himself getting closer. For some reason, the validation felt great. The memory of seeing Hisoka sleep with his shirt crossed his mind all of a sudden. 

_So that's why._

Hisoka snapped him out of his thoughts by whispering in his ear. "You're so good- Illu- Illumi, I love you." It was more a moan than a sentence, but his words were still very clear. 

The declaration made Illumi lose it. His body started shaking, he felt butterflies fluttering in his stomach and tears formed in his eyes, but unlike the last time, it wasn't the negative kind. He felt his muscles thighten and he was sure he had never felt like this before. 

"I love you, babydoll," Hisoka said again, and a second later he felt himself being pulled into a heated kiss. "Ha- Hisoka, I-" Illumi tried. "I'm comi-" he cut off his sentence to let out a scream as he was already coming into Hisoka's fist, tears rolling down his cheeks. 

Illumi crying out was the last straw for Hisoka, because right after he felt him coming too. He looked in Illumi's eyes while emptying his loads into his ass, panting and moaning against his mouth inbetween kisses. 

When they both caught their breath Hisoka carefully pulled out to lay down next to Illumi, face to face, close to eachother. 

"I love you too," Illumi said eventually. 

"I'm sorry for-" he prompted before Hisoka placed a finger on his lips. "I don't want to hear it," his mouth turned into a genuine smile and he kissed his forehead. "I forgot to tell you I've forgiven you already." 

The assurance made Illumi feel satisfied and relieved. He wrapped his arms around his waist and rested his head against his chest so he could hear his heartbeat. He knew this one heart belonged exclusively to him, like the ace of hearts card Hisoka had used to threaten him. He silently promised himself he would never break it again. 

Hisoka's suddenly cupped his chin, forcing him to look him in the eyes. "But next time you want to die, ask me to do it." Their lips were touching now. 

"You would not." Illumi kissed him. 

"Exactly." Hisoka smiled, so their teeth clashed. "Let's take a shower, Lulu," he tapped his nose with a long, pointy-nailed finger. "I'm cold." 

"Okay." Illumi smiled as he felt himself being picked up and carried one more time. He would never grow tired of this. He felt a kiss on the top of his head, and that moment he told himself to never doubt Hisoka's love again.

The way he cared for him, helped him, showered him in kisses and affection were nothing but gestures of pure, genuine adoration, he knew for sure now. 

He also knew for sure his family and his relationship with Hisoka could coexist without one bothering the other. He should be able to do his work properly while living with Hisoka, still pleasing his family, and visiting them often enough. It wouldn't always be easy, but together they could find a way.

Whatever happened, they would never let eachother go again.

They were eachothers endgame.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this was my first multi chapter fic ever. I really hope you guys liked it, because this chapter was very long and had a lot of dialogue. I truly hope it's not too boring!
> 
> Having finished this feels kinda weird, but I've been thinking about writing a sequel because I want Hisoka to annoy Kikyo at the estate (and Kikyo walking in on them lol).
> 
> IDK WHAT TO SAY I'M NERVOUS FOR THIS BUTTTTTT thank you for everyone who read my fic, left kudos and comments!
> 
> Please let me know what you think, comments always make my day!! <3
> 
> edit: I just made a twitter account for my ao3 talk, it's @sokasugar so follow me if you want to scream about hisoillu together!


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